I remember when weekends were relaxing

"We are here at Linda's household, where we've secretly replaced the toddler she usually parents with a pint-sized speed freak. Let's see if anyone can tell the difference."

Does your toddler ever walk? I mean, one foot in front of the other, methodically moving in one particular direction, maybe at a speed of less than 65 MPH? Really? Well. Huh. I GUESS THAT MUST BE NICE.

I don't know if it was the time change, the alignment of the planets, or the fact that I fed Riley part of a Top Pot chocolate donut on Saturday morning, but my kid was operating on Triple-Click TiVo Fast Forward (badoop badoop badoop!) all weekend long, which made our Saturday afternoon trip to IKEA extremely . . . uh, vigorous. Ditto the trip to Staples and the local deli. We have become Those Parents, the ones constantly chasing their child from one DON'T TOUCH PLEASE to another.

I kept seeing other kids Riley's age who seemed so much calmer than he is. One girl was riding on her dad's shoulders, happy as could be. My god, she wasn't whacking his head and howling "DOOOOWWWN", what's up with that? Another walked contentedly with his hand in his mother's. WALKED. He wasn't galloping at top speed, careening wildly into a carefully arranged display of holiday ornaments, running backwards while yelling "I GO BACKWARDS MOMMY! NOOK!", or going completely boneless and shrieky as his exhausted parents tried to herd him in the right direction.

Who are all these well-behaved children, and why can't I have one? Please tell me other 2-year-olds are basically psychotic little feral animals sometimes, because I'm starting to wonder if there's something in Riley's milk. Like CRACK COCAINE.

Comments

[Danell]

We actually had our very first trip to Home Depot this morning with a QUIET kid. He rode in the cart! He didn't writhe and squirm and shriek! We didn't have to whisk him out to the car leaving an abandoned cart full of floor tile and bags of grout! We were positively GIDDY...it does NOT take much to make us proud of our boy anymore. sigh.

[Jacqueline]

Oh yeah, I have one of those full tilt kids too, and as you know, he is the same age as Riley. I wonder if it is a boy thing?

In fact, today in a clothing store, the sales assistant commented "wow he just never stops, does he?". I replied that no matter how much a handful he is now, I still prefer him now than when he was a baby. Give me an active 2 year old's version of exhausting/wearing me out over a newborn's sleep deprived version any day. :D

[NM]

Mine is like Riley, and I have wanted to exchange with the calmers ones as well. Books say that we will be grateful for this spirited character when they are grown-ups, but I think i will be a shrieking white-haired maniac by then anyways, so whats the point :-)

[JMH]

I feel your pain. My boy is also a "psychotic little feral animal" whenever we go out in public and/or are with friends and family. I also get the "My, he sure has a lot of energy" comments as well. Sigh. This is why he doesn't attend public events very often. We have a wedding to attend next weekend...wish us luck :)

[Eric's Mommy]

Oh you are not alone, Eric weighs over 50 pounds now and he will throw himself on the couch on top of us screaming over and over again.
He was the oposite with the carrying thing, he always wanted to be carried which I could hardly do because he is so tall and he would writhe around. I hated seeing the kids walking calmly next to their parent's shopping cart, Eric STILL doesn't do that! I could never put him in the seat part of the shopping cart either because I'm sort of height challenged and he has big feet so I would get him in and couldn't get him out. I'd get him up so high and his shoes would get stuck in the leg holes and I couldn't lift him any higher, horrible.

[The Yap]

You definitely have mastered the art of describing Riley. I can absolutely picture him galloping around IKEA. Toddlers are exhausting. Mine is more physically calm than that, but she WHINES DEAR GOD THE WHINING WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME.

[Kate]

"I GO BACKWARDS MOMMY! NOOK!" made me laugh so hard I snorted. I think most of the well-behaved two-year olds are girls, and you know what? Their parents are going to be PAYING FOR IT in ten years. Puberty with girls is horrifying. Puberty with boys is smelly, but all in all, not nearly as bad.

[Christina]

Once, the midwife told me that kids who act up as little ones will be fairly docile as teens - I HOLD ON to this hope on a regular basis. I also like to think soon enough my son will not be running ahead and asking me to look at everything he does but rather slinking behind me trying to pretend like we are NOT together BUT AFTER ALL OF THAT I HEAR YA SISTER!

[Aimee]

This is definitely my son. He's just a few months younger than Riley. He runs FULL SPEED all the time. And he gets a kick out of intentionally running into things!

[jamie]

You've just described my 2 year old to a T. A friend of mine asked me why I bought a toddler leash (for travelling, airports, etc..), why don't I just have him hold my hand? I couldn't even come up with a response that wasn't falling on the floor in fits of uncontrollable laughter.

[superblondgirl]

Oh, god, ALL those parents have dealt with that at one time. You just got them on a good day. Two year olds, even angelic-looking ones, are all the Spawn of Satan. Seriously.

And it gets better, I promise.

[My Buddy Mimi]

One of my coworkers tells similar stories of his boys, but he attributes all of it to "boys will be boys." Seriously annoying though, especially since my GIRL is exactly the same way.

[laughing mommy]

I have a two year old also. The only thing I can think of to describe it is "too fweaky".

The tantrums might actually kill me.

[Melissa]

My son is 20 months and with what seemed to be over-night, he went into high gear! He runs from dawn til dusk! When it comes to diaper changing or putting his shoes, he goes into turbo mode and we practically have to cast a net to catch him! I sometimes sit down and cup my hands to where he can't see and pretend I have something super cool and he'll eventually come over to check it out....That's when I grab him. I think that's how Jane Goodall got monkeys to come to her!

[Linda S.]

Melissa, I am DYING over here. Oh my god, that is so freaking hilarious.

[Vicki]

Your not the only one with this problem, my son's name is Payton, and he's exactly the same way. All the time.
No Donuts.

[Cara]

Hey, my son's name is Payton too, Vicki :) He's two weeks younger than Riley and he's full tilt too. I do not go to public places that do not have full-sized shopping carts to put him in. I contemplated going to World Market this weekend and them remembered their tiny carts and their tinier aisles and thought better of it.

[Amy Neto]

You are so funny. We, too, seem to be "those parents." And ours are 3 and 5. I've often thought it would be fun to go out to breakfast on the weekend, right up until we tried a trip to IHOP that included multiple trips outside, two times with the younger setting off the alarm door, etc. I kept looking at these other children who sat politely and actually ATE their food. I think they are pod children.

[Sleepynita]

Rito is 16 months old but has been in full tilt mode since he figured out stairs (9months) and crawling
(7 months). He has 3 speeds: running, tantrum and sleep. Dear god I dream of the sleep mode.

[Jen B.]

I have no idea what the average 4 month old should be like, but I get comments like "He's got quite a pair of lungs!" "Why not put him in his swing?" I imagine my boy, who got himself out of a tight swaddle during his first week of life will be breaking speed limits when he is a toddler. You mean there are docile kids out there?

[Michelle in Maryland]

The way you describe Riley is how my parents describe me when I was his age. I've heard stories about my doctor wanting to put me on the then-primitive Ritalin, but my mom thought that would be a bit much - instead, she taught me how to read when I was three, and I calmed right down.

Good luck with finding Riley's Great Distraction!

[Elisette]

Luke is 2 years 9 months and after about a 2 year hiatus (since he started walking, basically) we are able to eat out in a restaurant. It's FRICKING AMAZING to me. Look! He's sitting! At the table! For thirty minutes! Just don't push it past that time... so I'm letting you know that at some point they become slightly more sane. Not completely yet. Just slightly.

[Swistle]

I have boy-girl twins approximately Riley's age, and my girl is a little lady who can be trusted to walk sweetly next to the shopping cart, whereas my boy is like some sort of FORCE OF NATURE, falling upon store displays in feral joy, running pell-mell away from me, bumping into a long shelf of glassware, etc. At home they are just the same: one girl who doesn't need baby gates or cupboard latches, and one boy who needs advanced penning systems.

[Swistle]

(continued) I realized after posting that it sounds like I'm saying the boys are wild BECAUSE THEY'RE BOYS. And that might contribute. But my firstborn was a subdued little rule-following gentleman who didn't require us to baby-proof because he just didn't think of getting into things, so I'm not making a boy/girl point here. More of a "it doesn't matter what you do, they're either Tasmanian devils or they're not" point.

[omu]

My little boy is like that poem about the girl with the curl upon her head who when she was nice was very, very nice... when he's nice, he's the sweetest little boy in the world. When he's not - look out!!!!!

We just went to Perkins tonight, and he bounced around the table and even laid down on the floor attempting to "nap" aka. have a tantrum (nope, couldn't do that in the booth, it had to be the floor - of a dirty restaurant) for most of the night. I was just about to smother - ermm, take him on a walk when the waiter appeared with his food. That settled him down - thank god!! Then he ate like the most adorable little boy ever and restored my quotient of love for him. It was dicey for a while. I was going to volunteer him to wash dishes or something...