Denial

Riley will now pat and kiss my belly, and tell his baby brother hi. Well, he does this with the spontaneity of a trained seal, which is to say I'm not sure it would occur to him to do these marvelous things if Daddy wasn't nearby saying "Let's tell the baby hi! Let's give the baby a hug!", but I'll take it. Having my son tenderly pat my enormous belly and shout "HI [BABY'S NAME]!" into my navel is possibly one of the best parenting moments I've experienced to date.

I am choosing to focus on these sweet interactions rather than the memory of last week, when we visited a family friend who had a young baby. JB ended up holding the 6-month-old for a few minutes to see how Riley would react, and oh, our boy's face. He stormed over to JB, demanded the baby go back to her mother, and when she wasn't immediately jettisoned from JB's arms, Riley clambered into JB's lap and curled against his chest, his back to the baby, his eyes a well of despair.

Poor little prince. I very much doubt the belly patting and hi-baby-brothering is at all connected in his head to the upcoming appearance of a small, squalling attention-stealer, but like I said, I'll take it all the same.

Comments

[b.]

Before my second was born, my first (who is 3 1/2 years older) suggested that we put the baby in a box and ship him to his grandmother. Who lives in Jordan. *But*. After the baby was here, he fell in love with the baby -- really. Still had his moments of jealousy, but I made sure I gave him my undivided attention as much as I was able from the beginning, and I engaged him in helping me take care of the baby -- fetching diapers, wipies, letting me know if the baby was crying (yes, I could hear the baby, of course, but I didn't let on), etc. I think it allowed him to feel connected and involved, and reassured him that even though he was no longer the center of the universe, he was still needed and important. Children are resilient, and I know you'll know what to do with Riley, and he'll bounce back much sooner than you imagine...even if he doesn't yet grok the concept. ;)

[C]

Aaaack! You know what you're naming the baby and haven't shared it yet??? As an aside, my daughter is 10 and still gets jealous when I pay attention to other babies or kids. Its during these times that she reminds me of the character Stuart from MAD TV "Look what *I* can do!"

[JMH]

My daughter wanted NOTHING to do with her brother when he was first born. She refered to him as "that baby" (She was 3 at the time) However, once he could sit up on his own and play with her, then things changed. Now, they are 6 and almost 4 yrs. old and they play very well together (most of the time :)

[g~]

Oh, he'll forget that he was ever the only one after a while. My little guy was 26 months when the Princess came (more like HellCat) and he did amazingly well with her--now I ask him if he remembers before Malyn was born and he gives me a blank stare. Then again, I get that blank stare quite a bit so...
Riley will adjust--he'll have to. It's just falling off the throne hurts a bit at first.

[carey]

i know how you feel. the other day my little girl told me, "when you hold the new baby i might cry" and when i asked her why she said "cause you won't be holding me."
sigh.

[Christina]

Prince - tee hee... that is what we call Matthew (he even sits at the HEAD of the table!

And oh my good to Carey - I would have broken down sobbing right there if my kiddo said that to me! I worry about how to hug and cuddle two - I know I will find away but still...

[thejunebug]

You could try the old trick of giving him a baby doll to play with- HIS baby.

[samantha jo campen]

I don't know. Is it better to have seen that reaction BEFORE the baby was born to help prepare him? Or is it worse because now all you'll do is worry about it?

Maybe now we'll only have one child. Because that whole situation doesn't sound fun.

[Brooke]

My daughter is 8 and has bouts of crying about the new baby. Thank God it's a boy so she can always be my "favorite little girl". She is excited but I think she feels bad because she'll have to share me, and the fact that this baby has a different dad maybe makes her feel excluded. I'm working really hard to make her feel like the princess now, and I tell her stories about when she was a baby and maybe she can help the baby play the games she used to like. She used to have a hooded towel with bunny ears on the hood, and she wanted me to break that out recently, but I told her it was for babies, but maybe she could help me bathe the baby and wrap him in the towel. And she suggested we sing him the song we made up to go with the towel (the ageless "Pink Burrito" song). So, she's getting there. She's more sad than angry, and even more excited than sad, but she is 8 and not 2. So I don't know how helpful that was.

[erin]

We did the whole give-the-kid-a-babydoll thing and it worked, in a way. We also have multiple boys, and as such dolls weren't really part of our normal toy stash (not that I wouldn't have allowed that -- but the old XY combination seems hardwired for cars and trucks). ANYWAY. We gave the first baby boy a doll when the second was born and he took to throwing the babydoll around and generally abusing it terribly whenever I would hold and feed his brother. On the upside, he never took out his aggression on the real baby and once the brother got old enough to play with, he seemed like a lot more fun. There's no way to alleviate sibling rivalry completely once you introduce a sibling, but in some way acknowledging that the first kid is pretty pissed and scared about being displaced by baby #2 goes a long way toward building strong ties between the boys -- how exactly you do it is probably not as important as actually doing it. Good luck. And Riley will never remember being the only child.

[eds]

One more thing... some book I read suggested that you don't insist on the first child "loving" his brother. "Don't hit your brother! You LOVE your brother!" Because at the beginning, he pretty much does not love the brother. That comes over time and it made sense to me that promoting an affection that didn't exist yet was kind of pretending and diminishing his real feelings of anger and insecurity. In any case, we tended to take the line that "you can be angry at the baby, or you don't have to like the baby, but you can't *hurt* the baby. It's mommy's job to keep the baby safe and fed etc. just like she did with you." It becomes kind of an equal treatment/fairness thing -- I kept you alive and uninjured so now I must do the same for baby number 2. And that tends to make sense to toddler logic. And welcome to the *world of fairness* you will be entering. Everything is inherently NOT FAIR. You will grow to despise the concept of "fair" and begin to suspect that perhaps Marxism had its good points... To each according to his need...

[Marie Green]

He will adjust. Have faith.

[akinvt]

The thing I worry about is feeling frustrated with the first child after the second is born (sorry if I just introduced a whole new worry).

[Melissa]

Can't wait to hear that baby's name! I can relate to the JB story. My sister-in-law brought her new 3 month old over and I was holding. My daughter took one look and was all over me. Mommy, Mommy, Mommy hold me! I held her and she was actually pushing the baby away. Hoping that it will somehow work out when the baby comes. I'm sure it will, eventually, for both of us. :)

[ShannonJ]

Our daughter did really well with her baby brother when he was born and, for the most part, still does. I think it was a combination of luck and a lot of the things people have suggested above. You'll figure out what works best for Riley, and (kind of sadly) it won't take long til you *almost* forget what it was like to just have one. Not that it won't be kind of crazy at first!!

[Swistle]

Oh, he is so cute. I am going to SQUEEEZE his pitiful little cheeks.

[jane]

A friend put the infant car seat in her car next to her toddler's seat durind her last trimester to help her daughter understand and prepare for the new baby who would soon be sharing the backseat.