I broke my kid

Once again, I am in need of some parenting advice. Here's my problem: we took Riley to an air show featuring the Blue Angels a couple weeks ago, and now he's terrified of planes. Can I get a do-over?

Okay, so maybe an air show wasn't the best idea, but we brought ear protection (he refused to wear them) and he's always loved planes (he sure as shit doesn't now), and I know, I know, it was a BAD MOVE.

Riley used to clamor and beg to go play in the backyard ("AHTSIDE! AHTSIIIIIDE!) and now we have to practically drag him out there. Once he's outside, he ignores all his toys and the rocks he normally loves to sift through in favor of worriedly hanging off one of our legs, waiting for the inevitable moment when a plane flies overhead, at which point he begs to be held ("BIG HUG!") and whimpers "No. No. NO PLANE" over and over.

It is really, really pitiful, and I feel really bad, especially since he used to freak out in a good way when he saw a plane.

We've tried explaining that planes won't hurt him, and how they're not loud at all, they're waaayyyy up there in the sky, see how they're flying so high hey oh boy look at the plane, etc. I've tried picking him up and cuddling him, I've tried brushing off his reaction so he doesn't think it's worth making a big deal over, I've tried distracting him with shiny objects every time I hear the approach of a jet engine. Nothing helps.

I've also learned that between being under what must be a SeaTac-Seattle flight path and our proximity to Lake Washington, there are a LOT of planes going overhead at all times. Big ones, little ones, traffic helicopters -- he fears them all.

So, wise readers -- any ideas? Summer feels like it's going to be winding to an end all too soon, I'd like Riley to be able to spend time outdoors without cowering like he served two bloody tours in Vietnam.

Comments

[Ashleas]

Completely inexperienced in children here.. but maybe he'll grow out of it? I'd keep exposing him to planes until he learns not to be afraid.. but I'm a horridible person :D

[Amy]

Just keep exposing him to planes, start with his toy ones, take him outside with something else he loves and stay focused on that. And don't be too hard on yourself! Big 4th birthday trip (3 days) to Disneyland for my son and I think it's a great idea to take him on the Haunted Mansion ride first thing. Didn't want to go on another ride after that. Not even Buzz Lightyear which he had been begging to do for a year. Strangely...he loved the air show, even with the noise. Riley will play off of your emotion, so don't get too worried about it.

[hello insomnia]

Could you take him to the Musuem of Flight? I've had to drive past there (in order to avoid the I-5 construction zone). Maybe if he saw him in their quiet, stationary mode he'd have a sense of awe.

[Melissa]

There's this psychology thing where, to treat people with phobias, you gradually expose them to the object of fear until it becomes not so big a deal (think: baby steps...it's called systematic desensitization if you want to read up). Amy totally has the right idea. Start small, start with stationary, and work your way up. Maybe books about planes, toy planes, a movie with planes before actual OUTSIDE planes (Top Gun scenes, anyone?). Even if it's just progressing from "Let's look at the plane" to "Let's touch the plane, just for 5 seconds" the small steps will build. The flight museum might be a cool way to do this, actually.

[my buddy mimi]

It's awful when kids get a sudden irrational fear of something. We are dealing with Mimi's sudden fear of getting her head wet, and it's so hard.

Unfortunately she does need to wash her hair from time to time. We sing songs, play games, get in the tub with her, let her splash and pour water all over the place, and so on. But we still have to basically hold her down for the actual washing part. And the bathroom is a total mess afterwards. What is the minimum number of baths that you can in good conscience give a kid in any given week?

If you get some good advice on this, I would love to hear it.

[biodtl]

Has he ever watched Jay Jay the Jet Plane? It's the mind-numbing plane version of Thomas, but it could be a way to get him thinking of planes in happy, friendly terms.

[j]

T has been afraid of sirens for a long time - I think some sirens started up right next to us on a walk, once, and he used to cower whenever a he could hear a siren, even if it was very far away. He needed hugs and reassurance for a long, long time, but he did get over it on his own. We may have speeded up his recovery by showing him how to cover up his ears with his hands - i would do it with him for a while and i think it gave him a sense of control - at least he can do that if he's out in the stroller and I don't have to stop to hug him.

[Amy]

Maybe introduce him to other "loud" noises and cheer with him for it. We tried that with Button for thunder because I didn't want her to be afraid of storms and it worked. Now she claps and says "Yay! Biiiiiiiig dunder" when it thunders. If you can get him to think other loud noises are "fun" then maybe you can work your way up to planes? I dunno.

[Cass]

I would make a paper airplane with him and teach him how to fly it and show him how it doesn't make any noise. Then after a few silent planes then encourage him to make a vroom noise like a plane. Let him re-associate planes as quiet. Quiet planes are outside at your house - the Loud planes went far away.

[Swistle]

I wonder if Jay Jay the Jet Plane is still on TV. I can't imagine it would be, since it was SO ABUNDANTLY LAME, but if it IS, it's a nice mild "Planes are friendly!" show that might gradually bring him around. Or possibly freak him out all the more, because of the planes' freaky human faces.

[Marie Green]

With big fears, desensitizing usually works. After a time, he'll get less and less afraid. It's only been, what, about a week? So I would just keep going out, acting normal and nonchalant, pick him up if he insists, but keep the fuss to a minimum. Like, Yep, just a plane. Want to sit on my lap and swing?

This approach worked for our big fear around here, so hopefully it will for you too. Good luck!

[PianoKeys]

My nephew did this exact same thing. Except his was from riding in a car on the interstate which was right next to an approach of an International Airport. Ugly reaction. The solution:

We took him to a playground which just happen to be right next to a commuter airport. Plenty of space to run around, new playground equipment, and got to watch the LITTLE planes take off and land. Didn't even point to the planes. Just played on the new playground. Suddenly, love of planes returned because he associated it with the new playground. And, much less sound. Distraction and non talk of the planes.

Just a thought.

[Heather]

I can't help with the fear of planes, but we went through the boy's refusal to get his head wet. If the fear is related to his not being able to see with water in his eyes, try swim goggles. BTW, our kid grew out of his fear once he learned to swim--now we have to yell at him to get out of the shower (every dang time!)

[Gina Polito Jahn]

I have to comment because we did the same thing when our daughter was just under two. We found out after arriving that we couldn't leave the air show until it was over and she clutched me and cried all day, it was terrible. She became afraid of all loud noises for a little while, and the 4th was right after that. I can tell you that it will fade, and we found that talking about it really helped. She is at the age where she is putting together words into stories really well. When we hear a plane or a motorcycle we just say the plane is noisy, but it flies far away, and she repeates what we say. Keep telling him the planes are not scary and he will start to associate your reassurance with the planes. Good luck!

[Cara]

I just shared your story with my husband. He told me that when my stepson (now 15) was about 2 1/2, he really liked dinosaurs. So his aunt took him to this animatronic dinosaur exhibit at a museum. They scared him so badly that he was absolutely petrified of dinosaurs for weeks afterwards.

Eventually he got over it and dinosaurs became such a huge obsession. When he was in preschool, they were asked to draw a picture of what they wanted to be when they grew up. Alec drew a picture of dinosaur bones and actually told the teacher that he wanted to be a paleontologist. So who knows? Maybe Riley will grow up wanting to be an aeronautical engineer.

Btw, I asked my husband what they did to help Alec get over his fear of dinosaurs and he said, "Nothing special. He just eventually got over it." Thanks, babe. You're a real help :)

[Melissa H]

Um, Linda, I swear I'm not a stalker but stop living my life ;) Seriously! The massive kitchen remodel, check (complete with dry wall dust and home keeping comments from the parents). The random work angst, check (you eloquently took the words right out of my mouth about passion for what you do). The messing up your kids love of airplanes by going to an air show, check (Thunderbirds in our case).

Biscuit is about a month younger than Riley so it's fun to follow along with your ups and downs but this is getting funny. Well, I'm not pregnant and my kid hasn't barfed up any fish sticks lately so we don't have that in common ;) Anyway, I've meant to comment several times--hope this doesn't come across as weird, I love your blogs ;) --Melissa

[Jennifer]

I like the idea of going to a commuter airport, or an even smaller private runway where gliders take off and land. If it wouldn't be too scary to be real close to them, he could see the pilot get in, take off with a minimum of noise, and off they go flying. You could hang out and watch some of them land. Plus: if you can watch gliders, they make no sound!

It does sound pitiful, and you're right, summer's winding down and you want to take advantage of the backyard time that you still have.

[laughing mommy]

We are dealing with the fear over here too. My 5 year old is suddenly afraid of going to kindergarten. She LOVED preschool last year. I can't figure it out. And now I'm kind of dreading the first day of school. Bah!

[LauraH]

My son (we call him flyboy) was terrified of airplanes after we took him to an airshow at 2. This was not a good thing because we live in the flight path of an air force base, and F-14's fly over hourly on practice runs. For about 3 months he refused to play outside and on the rare occasion he was outside, he ran for the house at the first rumble. We continued life as normal, and he grew out of it on his own. I guess because he realized the world did not end with each flyover. Now, he loves all things planes. I would have never believed it, but there it is.

[Eric's Mommy]

We take Eric to the dragstrip in Epping NH. We took him when he was real little (probably Riley's age maybe younger) and he had ear protection of course but wasn't too thrilled. On Saturday we took him again (he's 5 now) still with ear protection, we all had ear protection because they were running top fuel and the ground shakes when the cars go by at 320 mph. This time he loved it! I don't think you broke Riley, he'll be okay.

[Becky]

How about showing him a blue angels video with the volume turned low? Van Halen's 'Higher and Higher' video?

Or forget about the planes and do lots of other things outside, let him "paint" stuff with a paintbrush and water, take him to the beach to play in the sand. Or a carnival. Get his mind off it.

[Christina]

I agree with pps: don't make a big deal, try to keep planes in his mind in a good way (toy planes, books about planes, plane museum, etc...) and eventually he will grow out of it, I am sure!

We will probably read about how he becomes a pilot in 20 yrs!!!

[Ingrid]

Museum of Flight maybe? Where he can see that planes are not so bad up close and personal. Riley isn't broken, he just needs a little mending.

[g~]

Unfortunately, Riley is going through the normal stage we like to call "Oh, I can BE afraid!". He's just beginning to get the concept that his feelings (in this case, fear) is caused by something--the sound of a place. It's a great developmental step, actually. The cause and effect of emotion. It started with sirens with my daughter. I guess what I am saying is that developing fear is completely normal for this age and you didn't "do" anything wrong. He just started realizing that some things are scary whereas before, all things were fair game to be explored. He'll get over it eventually. Just keep talking to him and do all of the things everyone else has mentioned and hug him when he gets scared and comfort him. This too shall pass...and something else will come along.

[Missie]

Didn't read all the comments, so maybe someone said this..But this too shall pass. May take a month, a year, or five years, but he will get over it. (11.5 yrs experience on the job talking.)

You didn't break your kid. If this is the worst thing you ever do to him, then you are ahead of the game, sister. (I think the moldy sippy cup was worse! Because mold! You horrible mom, you!)

When my son would whine about something, I would always answer with, "Poor baby, go tell it to Oprah." Maybe you can get a free Chicago Vacation out of it?