Rules of disengagement

JB and I watched The Pursuit of Happyness this weekend and while I didn't really care for the movie (my uninformed 3-word review: foot-draggingly dreary, anticlimactic) I've found myself thinking about the story off and on since.

The plot basically focuses on a father's ongoing struggle to care for his son while enduring all sorts of financial dire straits and running himself ragged trying to claw his way into a better position in life, but it's what happens (this is not a spoiler) in the first part of the movie that bothered me: the boy's mother chooses to leave not just her husband, but her son too. She moves from California to New York, for the promise of a job and presumably a fresh start.

I don't know how much of the story is based on truth (it's "inspired" by a true story, which seems . . . flexible), but that part of the story stuck in my mind, the way a particularly creepy news story might. How could she, how could anyone choose leave their child?

I know it's not an uncommon situation. My own father left when my parents divorced, when I was very young, just a baby. He moved from Virginia back to New Mexico, where his own parents lived, and to all intents and purposes he disappeared from my life altogether. I don't think I was particularly bothered by that when I was growing up, but now that I have become a parent myself it does bother me, because I can't make sense of it. I can't imagine looking into my son's face and saying goodbye. I can't imagine putting so many miles between us, deliberately choosing to miss birthdays and holidays and, well, everything.

My father and I briefly reconnected several years ago but subsequently had a falling-out and by his choice we are currently estranged. I don't know if he is aware of Riley's existence. He missed out on my entire life and now he's missing his grandchild's. (My crude but sincere opinion on that matter? Your loss, asshole.)

Neither JB or I would ever leave Riley, no matter what happened in our marriage. I don't think that makes us admirable people or good parents. Isn't that just the way it should be—that we would stay in his life, regardless of the changes we make to our own arrangements?

I guess the reason I keep coming back to the subject, worrying at it like a sore in my mouth, is because it is so unthinkable and therefore fascinating in its own ugly way. I'm not being objective or academic about it either, my judgement is loud and accusatory and runs through my head saying how could you, how could you, how could you.

Comments

[orangepeacock]

I had to know, because I cried my way all through the end of that movie, so I (what else?) wikipedia'd it. Turns out in real life that the Linda in the movie is actually a combination of his two previous wives, and that his son was actually two during the events of the movie - which actually just makes me admire the man even more, for living through all that, making a better life for him and his son, and for the fact that his son says that all he can remember from his early years is that his father was always there for him. Man.

I think some people just aren't wired to be attached parents, and others are. My father kicked my mom and me out of the house several times when I was a kid and me out of the house a couple more times when I was a little older. I think it all just comes down to the individual. I mean, how else would adoption exist? It's not like every child who goes into the adoption/foster system is there because their parents died. Sometimes...people just aren't cut out to be parents. And it's sad, but that's how it is.

[Melissa]

These things haunt me as well. My father took off when I was 5 and came in and out of my life when he pleased. He has caused so much pain that it's been about 6 years since I've seen him. I just don't understand being that selfish.

Not to make you feel worse but a 10 year old boy was murdered in my home town about two weeks ago. That's bad enough but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it because it was his mother that killed him. I won't get into the particulars but it was violent and I just cannot get over it. As a mother, I can't wrap my mind around these offenses. My daughter is the sun in our solar system. I could never leave her behind..in any way. The reality is that she is my life. I cannot live with out her. And that doesn't make me a hero either but maybe it shows that some parents are more human than others.

[Swistle]

I don't understand it either. I mean, I really don't. I don't understand it at all, how it can happen. What does it mean about the people who can leave their children? They must be a different species from me, that's how much I can't understand it.

[Liz in Australia]

A very good friend of mine walked out on her husband and kids when they were toddlers. Long story, not mine to tell, but she had her reasons. I know you were talking about parents in general, but society reacts differently to a woman leaving her children than to a man. It seems to me that if the father walks out on the kids, he's written off as a deadbeat dad and people shrug their shoulders and feel sorry for the mum and the kids. While people aren't likely to be particularly polite about it, the sheer vitriol which my friend has had to live with just isn't extended to men who abandon their families. Women leaving their kids is still hugely shocking to our expectations of maternal femininity. And that's tough for both women and men who want to relate to their children differently from gendered expectations - although it is changing more quickly for men than for women.

[MadCityMama]

My guy and I were discussing this very subject less than a week ago. I could not be happy without my daughter, and neither could he. It boggles my mind that any parent could completely disassociate from their child. I personally, have never met my biological father, have a GREAT step-dad but the questions are still there. I have a whole set of grandparents that don't know anything about me. That right there blows my mind. The whole subject has taken on a whole new light to me since I've become a mom. I can't imagine cutting an innocent sweet-faced child out of your life, for no reason beyond selfishness.

[Cherubmarie]

I find it impossible to believe that a parent can leave their child as well. Don't get me wrong. There are times when I close the door and walk away. For at LEAST 2 minutes.
But walk away for good? Never. Unthinkable. How could I ever leave those faces? My girls are priceless.

[Lauren]

You know what no one has been talking about? The fact that he dragged his son through all of that. I mean it ended out well, but no one ever said that maybe he was a bad parent for making his son live in a homeless shelter just because he wanted to become rich...

[Kristjana]

I wonder the same things when a read a news story of a parent abusing their kid. I look at my little guy sometimes, even in the heat of his toddle-tantrums, and I love him so much I want to weep.

[MotherGooseAmy]

I wonder the same thing. I am currently estranged from my mother. It happened when I was 28 (five years ago) It was a long time coming. She'd been emotionally abusive to me my entire life, but didn't really realize until I met my husband and became involved in a "functional" family. My mother and her husband created so much havoc during our engagement/wedding/post wedding that I had to exit the relationship. What really gets me wound up is now that I have a son (Riley's age) that she's never met she just accepts the estrangement. She hasn't tried for one second to meet my son. It's like she completely gave up and has no interest in me or her grandson whatsoever. Don't get me wrong, my life is so much more peaceful without her. I don't long for her. I don't miss her, but I do wonder how you gestate, birth, raise and send a kid to college all while abusing the hell out of her and then when she says, "enough," you just give up. Now that I am a Mom, I gotta tell you there is nothing, and nobody that could come between my son and I. I don't care if he (godforbid) becomes an axe murderer. I'd bring cookies when I'd visit him in prison. How does one just walk away from their kid? Baffles my mind.

[orangepeacock]

Lauren: From what I know, Chris Gardner was in pretty dire financial straits to begin with, and this was his way of moving up in the world. I think he kept his son with him so he wouldn't lose him to the foster system. The mother (in real life and in the movie) left his son with him and scrammed, and he didn't meet his own father until adulthood, so he was really the only adult around with ties to the kid. It sounds like he did everything he could to make it as safe, comfortable, and non-traumatizing for Chris Jr, making sure they had a secure place to sleep at night (even if it was a bathroom) and using his meager intern pay to keep him in daycare. In fact, his son was later quoted as saying that he didn't feel homeless at the time...just like they moved a lot.

Honestly, I'd much rather live in hard times with parents who I knew loved me than lose them so that I could bounce around through foster homes. The friends I've had who grew up in the foster system were definitely not better off for it.

And...I'm sorry Linda that I keep talking so much...but I just don't think it's the worst thing ever for someone to give up a child. Honestly. I had a friend who got pregnant at age thirteen, and wound up deciding not to have an abortion, but gave the baby up for adoption. And I don't think she's a bad person for not having strong enough maternal ties to her baby, or for not getting the abortion, or for being your average dumb kid and not using a condom or whatever. Some people, at some times, are not able to deal with parenthood. Because she did that, she got to finish high school and the baby got to have parents who were grown-ups.

The world's a lot more complex than we give it credit for.

[Trena]

My mother has not spoken to me in almost 13 years (and I'm her only child) and I actually have no idea where she is at the moment. Things were rough even before the actual sudden breaking off point. She has no idea that I've graduated from college, gotten married, moved across the country to Virginia or that she has a grandson. It still bothers me alot more than I would ever admit out loud (lots of abandonement issues here). I totally agree though--now that I'm a mother, I look at Owen and the idea that he could ever do something that would make me not want to be an active part of his life just doesn't compute. I can't even wrap my head around the idea of a parent actively choosing to not have anything to do with their kids. Heaven forbid, but even if Owen (or any future siblings) ever did something really horrible, I'd still love them and still make an effort to be in their lives.

[kim]

My mom was never one to visit much, we have gone up to almost two years without seeing eachother. However now that I have a son myself, she comes out every 2 or 3 months. We have never been estranged or anything, she just has her own program and I have mine. We talk or e-mail at least once a day...but as a mother myself I feel like one of my vital organs are missing if I have to go to the grocery store or work without smelling that spot behind his ear or getting a good drool ridden kiss.

[jonniker]

So here's something, and I never intended to get quite this...philosophical...but sometimes, in a divorce situation, it's best for one of the parents to walk away. It is. I realize that sounds insane and mad and all kinds of crazy, but after growing up in a divorced family with two parents who very much wanted me, it would have been a great deal easier on me as a kid if one of them packed it in and moved on, trusting the other to care for me the best that they could.

Growing up between two households was perhaps the most traumatizing thing growing up - granted, there were a lot of other things that made it so, like abuse on one side blah blah blah, I hate even bringing it up because it sounds all victim-like, but whatever, however, the real point is that it was hard. Really hard. And I think had they recognized that co-parenting me wasn't an option (it wasn't, given the volatility of the relationship), someone would have stepped out.

I'm trying to make sense, but I'm not making sense. I was talking to a friend of mine the other day, who married a man who had a son before he met her. He did exactly what I'm talking about - he recognized that for his son to have the most stable, consistent upbringing, he would do best living with his mother, rather than splitting his time and being subjected to all sorts of confusion. And it KILLED HIM. Just killed him. But leaving him was, in a weird way, unselfish. And oddly, his son is now thinking about living with his father's family full-time, to their endless glee.

I'm not saying every situation is like this, but I know of several that would benefit from one parent stepping away for their kid's well-being. Sometimes, in a weird sort of twisted way, walking away is really unselfish.

I mean, not that what's-his-face's wife was like that or anything. God. Ramble on, dude.

[wilddreemer]

I totally agree. I have no clue how a parent could ever leave their child. My dad killed himself when I was 12. For the longest time I was told he was where he wanted to be and he was happy. Then I had a son and I for the life of me cannot wrap my mind around making the choice to leave my child forever. Not only do I think about people leaving their kids, but I now find myself trying to be extra careful and healthy because the last thing I would ever want to do is leave him even if it wasn't my choice. I find myself being totally crazy over the thought of dying and leaving him. Great, now I'm all sad....I better go re read your post about who teaches your son how to read better.

[Jacqueline]

You know I don't get it either (and I have a toddler on the verge of the terrible twos!) and a full time job. I am not particularly enamoured with this stage of motherhood but, I'll stick it out. Who am I to judge others though? We all have different values and tolerances.

One thing I cannot abide is the double standard: how we recoil in horror when a mother does it but chalk it up to "deadbeat dad" syndrome when fathers do it. We all have our breaking point and it is worth trying to cut us all a little slack. :)

[Linda S.]

Orangepeacock: I should clarify that I feel completely differently about mothers who for any number of reasons choose to let someone else adopt their child at birth. I agree that sometimes that's the best option for everyone.

Jonniker: it makes me sad to think that there are scenarios where it's best for one of two loving parents to simply exit the picture. I guess if the relationship is so poisonous and unsalvagable it's affecting the child badly, it's better to stop putting a kid through the trauma of the situation at hand . . . but I would think it would be better to keep changing the situation until it is more healthy rather than charging one parent with the horrific burden of leaving altogether.

[jonniker]

Linda: Oh sure, in an ideal world, that would be best, I completely agree. And oddly, and sucktastically, in my (albeit limited) experience, it's often the more stable, mature parent who steps back. Not leaving altogether, mind you, but taking a step back and letting the child have one home, rather than drag out visitation battles, custody fights, child support hearings and leaving them privy to a toxic, hellish relationship. I do really believe sometimes stepping back is best in certain situations like that, I really do. I realize that sounds completely insane, and when I'm a parent, I will probably forget I even said this, such will be the madness of my clutching love.

(I've spoken in court about this in situations completely unrelated to my own, come to think of it, and God, that was bizarre.)

Feh. I don't know. I like to think, or at least, hope that I'll never be in the situation to find out first-hand from a parent's perspective.

[Melanie]

My father left us when I was four and my sister was two. We briefly did weekend visitations but he really didn't make any effort and they petered out. When he remarried, his wife made a renewed effort with us, which ended abruptly when she became pregnant with their own child. I hadn't seen them in 5 years when I got married, but my mother insisted I invite them. I really didn't want to but gave in because I really didn't think they would come. Well, they came and caused a minor scene when I chose to do my first dance with my stepfather, who my mother has been married to for 20 years. I was like, F them. I never contacted them again. My cousin ran into them in a pizzeria and she told them I had a baby. They asked for pictures and my phone number, but that was 3 months ago and I haven't heard from them at all. I am totally with you on HIS LOSS.

[Melanie]

I feel the same way - what kind of person do you have to be, how utterly selfish and unloving, to just say good-bye to your child and just go away? The love a parent has for a child is the most amazing thing ever, it's the strongest bond you'll ever have, so how could you sever it and just throw away that whole incredible relationship? There's got to be some weird pathology there.

[nonsoccermom]

I honestly cannot even fathom leaving my child. Putting a child up for adoption is one thing, but leaving a child you have grown to know and (presumably) love? I can't even wrap my mind around that. However, my parents are still happily married after more than 30 years so I really don't have a frame of reference...

[jessica]

Perhaps I'm a little jaded from experience but I almost expect it from men. I know that's a really skewed viewpoint that I hope to change in time but it's where I am right now.

Women, though...you don't expect that from moms. You just don't. It certainly happens, but I think when mom leaves it's a much more viceral reaction.

I also can't imagine leaving my baby either...I think I'd go quite mad.

[Elizabeth]

One of my neighbors raised his three sons (who are about my own age) on his own. I don't know the whole story, but I know his wife basically walked out on the family. I had a fear when I was pregnant that somehow the whole thing would get to be too much and I would become that mom. Now I look at my daughter and I wonder how I could have ever worried about that. And how awful my neighbor's ex-wife must have felt in order to do something like that.

[Joanne]

I think about leaving my baby all the time, daily in fact. Sometimes when we all three go to the grocery store, when I go to get the car, I think to myself 'if I just took off, they could get a ride eventually'. But I'm kidding, joking with myself because I know I'd never go anywhere without my boy, I've known that since I found out I was pregnant with him. I also know that my husband would never leave, because he's just not that kind of person. But I think some people are young, or immature, or not emotionally equipped to deal with a child, and I think some people actually go crazy and then they leave their child. People can tell themselves all sorts of things to justify their own behavior. My husband's Dad was not around from the time he was a little boy but they are now on pretty good terms. The one thing that has done for my husband is make him more committed than ever to being a good husband and father, so I suppose I owe something to my idiot father in law - teaching his son what Not to Do.

[Wicked Stepmom]

I saw this movie over the weekend too! And was disturbed by the ease with which she could leave her son and the almost-obliatory way she tried to "fight" for him. ("I'm his mother. A child should be with their mother, right?")

But his reply to her ("You know you can't take care of him.") made me think there was something more to her than the movie portrayed. Someting that made her an unfit choice, even though she was the one with the paying job.

I'm slowly learning that there's always more to something than meets the eye. And that unless I have walked in someone's shoes, I try not to be so quick to judge b/c there's mostlikely so much more that I DON'T know.

I'd like to think that I would NEVER have the capacity to leave my children. But then again my life and my life experiences are my own and different from others'.

[Dawn]

I can not fathom how one could leave their child (mother or father) that is a piece of you it's like cutting off you arm for no good reason, Why? How? There are times my daughter (not quite two but, in the full throws of the terrible two's) drives me so crazy and there are times she frustrates me to tears but, to leave and never look back it's unthinkable. It's like Swistle said any one who could must be another species.