Well, baby?

Things that happened at today's pediatrician appointment:

• During the interminable wait between the nurse checking his height, weight, etc. and the doctor actually entering the room, Riley gruntingly filled his freshly-changed diaper with the sort of digestive output that requires half a container of wipes, a steely constitution, and a vigorous blast or two of Febreeze afterwards.

• I learned that he's now average in height, low-to-average in weight, but still sports a South-Park-sized head (90th percentile, good god).

• On no less than twenty separate occasions, despite my increasingly loud distractive blather, Riley heard a male voice outside the appointment room door and began yelling "DA DA? DA DA? DA DA?" before bursting into bitter tears, sending runners of snot all down his naked torso.

• He discovered a childproof plastic lock attached to one of the cabinets, and proceeded to experience the greatest meltdown known to mankind when he couldn't wrench it free. I have my limits: eventually I ripped the damn thing off and gave it to him.

• The nurse kept asking me questions that under normal circumstances—ie, without a screaming, snotting, pooping baby—I would be able to answer right away, but instead I kept making these mouthbreathingly stupid noises like "Uhhhhhhh" and "Ohhhhhmmmmmm" as I tried to access the flatlined part of my brain that contained information like how many words Riley is speaking and how many ounces of milk he drinks per day and whether or not he can walk backwards (okay, to be totally honest I'm still not sure about that last one).

• When the doctor was discussing Riley's eating habits and whether he's learning to use a spoon (sometimes) and fork (not yet because I like his eyeballs just how they are, unpunctured) he also randomly mentioned that we shouldn't bother giving him a knife for a few years, and I immediately let out this totally inappropriate snort—"SNKKKK!"—because DUH, I mean really, no knives, you don't SAY, and then I sort of choked on the snort because it tickled my throat so basically I was like: "SNKKK-KAH! KAH! KAH!" like a cat trying to hork up a tennis-ball-sized furball, or maybe like the mating call of some exotic longbilled jungle bird, and I guess my point here is that neither my son nor I managed to present ourselves with any dignity whatsoever during this entire appointment.

Oh, and as the doctor was prying Riley's scream-hole open with the tongue depressor, I looked in and all I could see were angry pink gums being broken by emerging teeth. His eyeteeth are coming in. His molars are coming in. He's got like EIGHT TEETH coming in, all at once. This is exactly what the pediatrician wrote on his sheet:

"HEALTHY BUT TEETHING BIG TIME!!!"

You know, that really explains a few things around here.

Comments

[stan]

Wonderful entry! I laughed so much. I'll be coming back to this one a few times!

[ashlea]

You poor woman! All those teeth coming in.. AT THE SAME TIME.

[Liz in Australia]

Oh no - poor Riley! (and poor you and JB). So many teeth, all at once. Still, at least they will all be over at once and not randomly punctuate the next few months with hideousness.

My 2yo's back molars are coming in right now. She isn't particularly fussed by teething, but YeGods, the dribble rash is insane. She looks like we have a hobby of dragging her face first over gravel every morning.

[SJ]

Hilarious post, especially the part about the snorting. I've often wondered if I were the only one who completely lost my focus during doctor visits. Sucky about the teething but at least a lot of it will be over soon. Hang in there.

[Swistle]

That was so funny. I was teary-eyed and red-faced and wheezy by the end of it.

[Erin]

great post. but, um, walking backwards? is that a required skill for 19 month olds? my doctor has never asked that question. very strange.

sorry about the teeth. hopefully they will come in quickly and uneventfully. :)

[Melanie]

Ugh, doctor's appointments with kids are almost always embarrassing. Last time we went, there was all this bragging about "I'm tough, I'm so tough I LIKE getting shots, blah blah" and then the nurse came in with the needle and I had to hold down a screaming, flailing, 40-pound monster, who up until that point really hadn't minded shots. Also, today at the vet's he said "puke" at least 18 times, sounding like some 11 year old punk, and then said something about the cat "pissing" on a towel. Which is when I almost pissed myself trying to stop him and correct that into something, anything else that didn't sound like I'm a delinquent-raising trailer-trash mama.

[Mommy Brain]

I had just blogged about my horrible trip to the pediatricians office and Mommy Daisy (http://mommydaisy.blogspot.com/) commented that I should check out your post. I'm sorry to hear that the wait between nurse and doctor is just as bad elsewhere. Between each of my twins we've got 8 eyeteeth coming in too. You have my sympathies!

[Colleen]

Zoe already has her one year molars... but all 4 eyeteeth (cuspids?) are coming in now. I feel like the teething has been non-stop. Zoe only had 4 teeth when she turned one year old... now it's 9 months later and she has 12 teeth with 4 more just about broken through. I'm glad this teething happens as infants and toddlers... because if you asked me to do it now I think I'd choose to be toothless!

[g~]

My son got 8 teeth at once around 18 months as well, so I am feeling your pain. It sucks and should make you feel better about Riley's attachment to Daddy lately. I remember getting my wisdom teeth and thinking, "Gosh, this really sucks." And I was a rational 19 year old rather than a "what the heck is happening here" 18 month old. Good luck. My little darling is getting all of her eye teeth at once, which is exacerbating an ear infection situation we have going on here.

[Tessa]

We went through that with Shecky too. It seemed like after the first 4 teeth the rest ALL came in at the same time! The only advise I can give is hang in there. At least when he's done... he's DONE... for a while.

[JMH]

When I took my 3 yr. old son to the ENT dr. yesterday, the doctor commented that "He has quite a bit of attitude" I wanted to die of embarassment.

[samantha jo campen]

Your description of the diaper situation was priceless.

Damn girl, you funny. Oh, and good luck with the teething. My prayers are with you :-)

[Stephanie B.]

Thank God I'm not the only person who's child goes into MELT DOWN at the doctor's office. I think I've got you beat on this one though... my daughter flips from the minute the nurse looks at her until the second we exit the building, then she's as happy as a clam. And I mean FLIPS her lid - screaming, crying and doing that weird breathing thing. Little bugger.

[mum2dnj]

Not to try to trump anyone's embarrasment, BUT, my daughter (2 years old) and very verbal, took an enormous dump in her diaper at her 2 year appointment. When the doctor came in she reached down into her diaper and pulled out a turd, showed the doctor and said "I pooped". As if that isn't bad enough, she accidently dropped the turd and when it fell she exclaimed (as she always does when she drops things) "God damn".... Call me parent of the year :|

[Michelle]

I am confident they will be adjusting those head-size charts shortly. My daughter's head (and the heads of nearly all my friends' children)is in the 90th percentile every time we get measured.

Maybe they're all super-geniuses who will solve the world's problems.

[Tiffany]

Are you supposed to be able to shoot salad out of your nose?

I needed the comic relief and as a mother of 16mo old who doesn't have blocks either, I don't even know how well I walk backwards!

THANK YOU!!!

[joe sharps]

At least your baby has teeth, mine will never becuase his mama used meth. Thanks for the reminder about how horrible life really is, someday your little child will be most likely be using blow.