Choices

As a mom who works outside the home three days a week, I sometimes hear from new mothers who are contemplating their post-baby options. I can only share my own experiences, because it's such a different choice for different families. Lots of moms I know stay home, and that's the choice that works best for them. I choose to go to an office part-time, and that has worked best for us.

I did want to share some of the benefits I get from working, just some things I don't really see people talking about. I think sometimes as mothers we don't like to admit that anything could ever trump having the chance to be with our kids full-time, but in my case—and again, I want to be clear I'm only speaking for myself—there are some big reasons I'm happy with the way things are.

Sanity. I don't do well at home full time. I just don't. I get lonely and I don't shower all day and I have no sense of schedule whatsoever. I'm pretty sure that if I stayed home, eventually I would become depressed and withdrawn and my parenting abilities would dwindle along with everything else.

Balance. I get fulfillment out of my office job that I cannot replicate at home. It is important to me that I be a good mother, but I also feel a need to pursue my other interests. It's not that I think my job duties are more important (I do not think this AT ALL), but there are work-related things I think I'm good at and it feels important to me to be able to do them. Some women view motherhood as their dream job, and being able to focus on that full-time is awesome for them. That's a fantastic situation, but it's different from mine. I don't love my babe any less than those women love their children, I just have a different set of needs.

Money. Okay, I'm not just talking about the ability to pay the mortgage, although that is certainly a plus. I'm talking about having enough income to be aggressive about savings, to make investments, and to cover unforeseen expenses. I'm also talking about being able to make frivolous purchases now and then without worrying about it. For us, having that kind of financial freedom means we don't argue about money. In the past, being worried about money has put an enormous strain on our marriage, and my income—part-time though it is—makes a major difference in our collective stress levels.

Harmony. Working has been beneficial for our marriage in a lot of ways. I don't feel resentful of my husband's job, or his ability to leave the house and interact with adults while I stay home. I don't feel as though since he is the only one earning money, I don't get the same say on how we spend it. I don't begrudge him the opportunity to go pursue his own interests on the weekend, because the weekend is the only relief I get from childcare. (Again, I'm only speaking about my own challenges, I'm not saying those are common issues for the SAHM.) Parenthood is hard enough on a marriage, and I'm glad we don't have to tackle those particular bugbears on an ongoing basis.

All that said, I realize our situation is made up of a phenomenally lucky set of circumstances: I still get 2 days at home with Riley; my job is incredibly flexible and totally accommodating to daycare, sickness, appointments, etc; Riley's daycare is great and provides him with an environment we're really pleased about.

My house of cards could shift at any time, and our choices could change. It's all about finding the best option for your family, and checking in from time to time—is this still working for me, for everyone else?—because we all deserve to be happy, right? We all take different paths to get there, but we all deserve to feel good about ourselves and our choices.

Comments

[Amy]

Well said! Sometimes I feel that the SAHM's at the playground think I'm less of a mom because I have a job. Unfortunately, I have to work, but I also enjoy it and I'm good at it.

We all have to do what is best for us! And my two little buggers don't seem any the worse for wear going to preschool!

[Swistle]

I thought this was a really interesting post. I stay at home, but don't think of it as the best choice for everyone. I'm a big fan of the concept of "There's no one right way for all families."

[Liz in Australia]

I really enjoyed this post, although I think it's a sad comment on how intolerant people are of other people's choices that you needed to keep adding the rider, "in my experience".

I'm one of those SAHMs who does regard motherhood as my dream job. We make the trade-offs which keep me at home, particularly financial, but also in the amount of time DH has to spend away from his kids. Sometimes it's hard, but we are clear on what we believe is best for our family and our marriage [insert disclaimers here], so we do what we need to do.

[laughing mommy]

I'm a stay at home mom and I totally agree with you on, well, pretty much everything you've said. I adore my kids but sometimes I long for my old job.

When I was pregnant with my first child I didn't quit my job... I had every intention of coming back part time. But for me, when it came time to leave my baby, I could not do it.

It WOULD be good to have that extra income.

It WOULD be good to not resent that my husband gets to go to work every day.

I do try to appreciate the fact that a lot of moms want to stay home and don't get to... I do feel privledged in that way.

It is just so complicated. You are right that everyone has to do what is right for their family.

[laura]

Nice post!

I also stay at home, but it wasn't really by choice... I was forced to make a decision between working crazy hours far away from home and taking care of our daughter. Staying at home seemed like the best option back then since I convinced myself that I could start my own business at home doing what I love to do (web design and marketing). I realized a while back that I'm not cut out for living life this way b/c I found it extremely hard to self start once I had a kid and a home to take care of.

Another thing they don't tell you about staying at home is that by virtue of being in the house all day, the house swiftly becomes a crapheap as mobile children spread their toys and num nums throughout. I think I spend close to 1/2 my time at home cleaning, cooking or organizing and I NEVER used to do this when I worked outside the home.

[Jamie]

After a 14 week maternity leave, I went back to work full time until my son was 1 year old. I was miserable. So, I quit. Now, six months later, I have a whole set of challenges (many of which you've named) that I didn't expect. But, ultimately, for us, my being home full time is a good thing. For now.

[Vycki]

Really great post. I stay home and I while I love it and do not want to return to the workforce I did experience the lonliness and depression for a while early on (easily the first six months). And I have absolutely no schedule whatsoever. We do everything when we do it and not because its time to do it. And between the loss of my salary and the brain atrophy I can definately see the appeal of the work place.

[Mary]

I stayed home with my kids for ten years. I feel incredibly lucky to have had the opportunity, and I almost went crazy. Now I work full time three and a half months a year, and very part time the rest. I love it. I get all the validation from my job that I wasn't able to give myself as a SAHM, and I still have the flexibility to drive on field trips, show up to volunteer at school, and so on. Best of all possible worlds, IMO. It's so important that we give ourselves the freedom to do what works for our own families, without others judging our choices.

[mrsgryphon]

So well written, as usual... I feel the same way about all of your points, and have found a good balance so far with part-time work and a friendly dayhome for the Bean.

[Shann]

I thought this was a great post too. I stay at home with my 3 boys, but I do yearn for adult conversation above the age of six. That's the one thing I miss about working. I admire all mothers for the choices they make. Especially the hard ones.

[Niki P.]

Amen Sister! I tried the SAHM thing after my second son was born. I was miserable and I think I was headed down the road to depression. I didn't get dressed, I didn't shower, I had a very rough time with my spouse because he got to leave the house and go to a place where there were ADULTS EVERY DAY! Going back to work was the best thing I could do for my kids, my marriage and my sanity. I have complete respect for SAHMs but it is not my cup of tea. Well said in this post, thanks.

[jill]

I work outside the home full time and like you really enjoy it. Because I teach first grade I am surrounded by children. I would not be happy at home full time. I find also that I make the time I do have with my son quality because I know it is limited. All moms make the choice that is best for them, and for me it's at work.

[Melanie]

I feel the same way about sanity- I need time away or I'd be a depressed woman in her pjs, unshowered and eating pancakes all day. I have to work full-time though, which definitely sucks, but since I work evenings I get that SAHM daytime experience, which is nice. Next year when kindy starts I'll have to change to days and THAT will be rough. I haven't worked days in a loooong time and I'm going to miss being able to go on field trips with the Boyo. So even though working isn't ideal, I deal with it. I think that's largely what people do - take the best we can get and try to do our best with it. What works for you may not be what you dream of, but it's what you've got and it's better than a lot of alternatives.
Which makes my life sound really depressing, huh?

[Rebecca]

I've been lurking on your blog for a while, and this post made me break my silence. I work 4 days/week, and I have many of the same thoughts you do about how this works best for our family. But, also like you, I recognize that different things work for different people. Thanks for putting a voice to my thoughts once again!

Rebecca in Chicago (mom to Mikey, 21 months)

[Trina]

Great Post! I made the decision to go back to my job, outside the home full time. Many days I wish it would work out and become part time, but I know I would not be half the mother I am now if I stayed home full time. I need the adult interaction, and all of the ups and downs of corporate america.
Before having my son, I had no idea how much of a challenge it would be to stay at home full time with a child. It is amazing to me that lifes' most rewarding role of being a parent, would also be the most challenging!

[nonsoccermom]

Amen. Fantastic post.

My son is 4 1/2, and I went back to work full-time when he was 11 months old for all of the reasons you named. I love being a mom, don't get me wrong, but staying at home just didn't work for me. I need that outlet that my job provides, and I think I'm a better mom (and a happier person) because of it.

I totally agree - every family needs to find what works best for them and go with it.

[Christina]

Thank you for the thoughtful post. It is interesting how many people read your blog who are stay at home moms. I am NOT. I work full time with NO flexibility to my schedule. Some days I wish I had the choice to work part time or stay at home but that is about 30% of the time. 70% of the time I am happy as a lark - I make excellent money, we provide all of the best for our son and he is happy, healthy and intelligent. He loves his "school" and we are generally really happy with that.

When I am home with him either for vacation or sicks days I think "my goodness I would go out of mind doing this all of the time." I ADORE my son but I am just better at being a working mommy then a stay at home mommy. I totally respect SAHMs but I have no idea how you do it... I have a GF who does it and she is going mad. She has a 6 yr old who is finally in school with two more young ones at home but she basically stated that she has completely lost herself and she is at the opposite end - she wants to go back to work but her hubby says day care costs are outrageous and it is better for her to stay home. As you said there is a balance and that balance is a house of cards to some degree. I hope that one day my son looks back on his childhood and says my mom was a strong woman who made strong choices about her life.

[jmh]

Well said. I had to be a working mom at first due to financial reasons. I did not want to work, but if one of us stayed home, we (literally) would have been below the poverty level. However, the longer I work, the more I relize that I am a better mom when I work. I teach school so I get to be a SAHM for 3 months of the year. I love that time with my kids but I am ready to go back to work in the fall. I am happier when I work. I give a LOT of credit to SAHM because I know I couldn't do that.

On a side note, isn't it wonderful that we have these choices and we aren't "forced" into one option just because we are women?

[Laurie]

Love this post! One question though that you may have covered before - were you full time before Riley? If so how did your work take the part-time suggestion? I would LOVE to work only 3 days a week, but I think my work would not allow that. I am wondering what approach you would take if you were me. We are expecting baby #2 in August and my baby-sitter for C can take the new baby, but only 3 days a week. I would love to just be like great that works, but I am scared to approach my manager about it. Thoughts?

[Jenn Perryman]

Great post. It was brutal leaving him at daycare the first day, but i'm blessed with a part-time situation too, and, were I half as talented in writing, could have written this post as well. Our situation works for the very reasons you mentioned- couldn't have said it better.

[Amy M]

Great post!

I'm still at my FT job & although I feel some guilt, I do think this is the best decision for my family. First of all, I make more money than my hubby, so it's really not financially sound for me to stay home. I'm with you on the sanity & depression things. Even when I was on maternity leave, I felt really restless, yet had no motivation to do anything. If I changed out of my pajamas, it was an accomplishment.

I feel very fortunate that I have this choice. My grandmother was not allowed to work - my grandfather's stupid bank employers required that spouses (i.e. wives) stayed home.

[Leah]

I hope I'm as lucky. That balance seems divine.

[Michal]

I'm still at my FT job and dream of a part-time gig. I have better health benefits than my husband and am very well paid. I know that my sanity would be lost if I were a SAHM. But, also experience the guilt at work for not putting in the hours I used to pre-baby. And feel the guilt that I don't spend as much time with my li'l one since I work so dang much.

It sounds like you have found the elusive work/life balance you need! Some of us are still striving to find it.

[Lawyerish]

I'm thrilled to read this, as I feel like the working mom voice is often not heard in the blogging world, for whatever reason. I do think it's a shame that we always have to couch this sort of thing in lots of "must not offend!" qualifiers (you are certainly not the only one!), because there is this horrible ongoing skirmish among people who seem awfully opinionated about what a bunch of strangers on the Internet do with their lives. Sheeeesh, people, chill -- but thankfully, none of those have appeared in response to this post.

ANYway, I also plan to return to work after we bring our daughter home (we're adopting from Vietnam) and after I take my maternity leave (woo hoo!). I imagine I will get the same benefits as you mention.

Sure, I have mixed feelings about having a nanny and I worry about feeling stretched in too many directions and all that, but in the end I know I will be a more patient mom because I will have my own space to do my own thing, and I will also be more comfortable sharing in the financial support of our family.

Ultimately, my husband and I are on such equal footing (same income level, equal division of household responsibilities) that I know it would be very stressful to unbalance things by placing 100% of the earning responsibility on him and the majority of the child responsibility on me (or vice versa).

So, uh, long-winded way of saying: word.

[Sarah]

Dude, you have a knack. For all the reasons you so succinctly outline, I think I will be going back to work after our little one arrives in September. I keep trying to have an open mind about possibly transforming into a SAHM, but I feel it would be a really jarring transformation and that I would be couching all the things that I love about being me: my independence (both in personality and financially), challenging my brain with business every day, my just-on-the-verge of taking off career... Like Christina, I hope that my kids will be able to say that their mom was a strong woman that made strong choices to remain true to herself. And that they then follow suit in their own lives.