Public meltdowns, non-Britney-style

I'll start by saying that Riley continues to seem perfectly fine and in total control over his various thrashing, tentacle-covered appendages—thank you, though, for the comments about ear issues, which I totally did not consider in my haste to make the creepiest assumptions possible—and that while we continue to keep an eye on him for signs of discombobulation, I don't believe he's dealing with any particular illness that would currently be affecting his behavior in any negative way.

That SAID, let me describe this afternoon's outing:

JB and I decided to visit a local store to drool over their luxury kitchen appliances (damn you, Dacor, and your sultry, unaffordable stainless-steel built-in refrigerators). We packed Riley into his backpack before entering the store, hoping that he'd enjoy riding around that way. He didn't. After about two minutes, he was whining (the wind-up sort of whine that precedes a full-scale screamfest) and arching his back and pointing to the floor, so we pulled him out and let him walk.

Approximately one minute after that—after chasing Riley as he bolted to and fro and attempted to get behind the sales counter, after he went boneless and shrieked like a firebell after being redirected, after he fell to the ground crying and yelling because we had dared to pick him up and put him in a less crowded area—we were walking briskly for the door, Riley's squirming, tantruming body held in JB's arms while he (Riley) howled at the top of his lungs. As we passed a woman who glanced over from her inspection of a Wolf gas range, JB hissed from the corner of his mouth, "Free baby?"

Sadly, she didn't take us up on it. She probably could afford a less obnoxious baby, anyway.

So. Do any of you have any advice on what to do when an 18-month-old behaves that way? There's no way I would have just stayed in that store, letting him completely disturb the other patrons, and there's also no way we could have calmed him down—every time we interacted with him he just got more frustrated.

I don't know if that sort of thing is legitimately bratty behavior that we should be actively dealing with in some way (rather than just packing him into the carseat and grumbling to each other on the drive home about how we're never going to leave the house with him again), or if it's just that he's only a year and a half old and, you know, basically in a terrifying stage of being a giant mobile infant.

What do you think? Faced with a similar situation, what would you do?

(First person who says, "Shove him in a Sub-Zero freezer compartment and run like hell!" gets my undying love and devotion. Plus, a free baby.)

Comments

I think removing him from the situation is about the only thing you can do. Do it consistently and swiftly, and let him know in simple language why you are leaving the fun store and have to sit in your seat now.
Be as patient as you can be with him - the more worked up you get, the more anxious and scared (and thus, crazy) he will be. Remember that he is not a logical little person, and is still mastering the ability to have an ounce of impulse control.

[Melissa]

So glad he is feeling better! No idea what to do with the difficulty behavior. Cheerio bribes?

[Swistle]

Everyone thinks I'm kidding when I say TRANQUILIZER DARTS.

Okay, so I AM wishing. I mean kidding.

[cherubmarie]

Been there. Done that. Art store. The ONE time I went into a store with my 4yo and 2yo. I know I was asking for it. There they are, perfect angels. Asking me about the paper and the paints. Then I get a cell phone call. I was off for the day, but felt bad. Eyes off for one minute and they were at it. Pulling back and forth on this pastic tray I asked them to hold. Back and forth, back and forth. Ask them to stop? Total tantrum from the 2yo. Maybe 30 seconds later, up and out of the store. She was wriggling so bad I almost dropped her int he parking lot. Not sure if I would have felt bad about it either. Did the same thing after picking her up from Daycare too when asked to put on her coat... So I would have to agree with the TRANQUILIZER DARTS too. Seems to be a good solution. Signed: Hoping it's a phase, please god let it be a phase.

[Jenny H.]

So, tranquilizer darts are bad?! Who knew!

You just have to be firm and remove him. There isn't really a whole lot you CAN do. My son is the same age. It can be pretty frustrating. Wine helps!

[Mary]

18 months is the absolute worst age. My oldest is 17, I have three kids, and you can trust me on this. Right now is as bad as it's going to get, and I count the teenage years in that. Just don't take him anywhere. He's going to do this, it's the nature of the beast. Get a sitter, or leave him home with JB, then switch off. He can't be reasoned with, and he can't help it.

[Jem]

Shove him in a Sub-Zero freezer compartment and run like hell! I'm such a suck-up.

[Michelle]

Maybe that little devil tail he's sprouting is causing his balance issues. ;)

Seriously, though? It sounds like you are doing the right thing by simply removing him from the area. That's what we've always done with our 2 year old and we rarely have trouble with him in public now.

Although, ironically, I did have to remove him quickly from a public place today because he was behaving like a meth-addled troll beast but he was like that all day (not just in public) so I should have known better than to take him out anyway.

[Jacqueline]

We have an 18 month old too.

Here's what we did - we bought a new house that already had a Wolf range and a Subzero fridge. While this was an expensive solution, it certainly prevented that potential for meltdown in the appliance store.

You're welcome ;) ;)

PS: Anytime you head up to Vancouver, give me a shout. :-D

[Sara]

We've had this issue with our daughter, who is nearing 3. Every time it's happened (though it hasn't been often), we've simply left the building. Over time, she's learning that that sort of behavior doesn't "get" her anything. As her language has developed, we can talk about it (or, er, something like that) -- she can tell us why she's pissed and we can still leave -- but the words really help. This doesn't solve the issue all the time, of course, but at least she sees us staying (mostly) calm around her freak-outs and still love her, but she learns she can't run the show. Often times before we go into a store, we'll ask her what we should bring in (snacks, books, etc.). We use these items to satiate her while we finish up and plan our exit.
On a side note -- last week when she was going ape in our living room, we both got on the ground and threw tantrums. That shut her up quick; we think she was embarrassed. And I have to say, it was a nice release.

[laughing mommy]

I was told by several people that if my daughter had a tantrum in a public place to ignore her completely until she stopped. I didn't know what else to do, so one day when she was strapped into a shopping cart she had the loudest thrashing screaming tantrum you can imagine. It was HORRIBLY embarrassing, but I quickly whispered to her "I'm not moving until you stop."... and I stood humiliated in the aisle until she stopped... and it was several minutes. People gave me such dirty looks. But it did teach her that I wasn't going to give her one tiny bit of attention while she behaved that way. (I didn't even look at her while she was tantruming.) It totally worked.

The other thing that worked was strapping her into her carseat if she was having a tantrum and we weren't at home.... then shutting the car door and standing outside the car until she was done. I always would whisper quickly to her... "Mommy loves you but you cannot behave this way."

For my daughter if I ignored her tantrum it wasn't worth continuing and she would stop.

Those moments while I was waiting for her to stop were AWFUL.

Good luck. And remember, this stage doesn't last forever. The tantrums will disappear eventually.

[Scott]

We've been going through this as well. I am TOTALLY getting some tranquilizer darts.

I have read that ignoring tantrums is the best thing to do, but I have trouble doing that when we're alone in the car, much less in public. I think it's the Midwesterner in me. Public shame is the worst kind of torture.

Lately we have been trying the distraction method. Sofia tends to get out of sorts when she gets fixated on something that she can't have (giant glass jar of mustard, every single pair of flip-flops at Fred Meyer, tranquilizer darts, etc.) so we try to get her mind off of it by pointing out something she likes (usually: a picture of a baby) or singing one of her favorite songs. I'm not saying that singing "Wheels on the Bus" in Fred Meyer is high on my list of favorite activities, but it's certainly less publicly shaming than a temper tantrum.

I have no idea if that's the Recommended Parenting Technique, but then I don't really have any idea what I'm doing anyway.

[nicola]

It's impossible in a shop but the best thing i think to do is to totally ignore them, walk away and let them get on with it. The more they're ignored the less they'll carry on with the behaviour that gets them ignored. Good for the long term!
Nicola

[Joanne]

I think a good thing to remember is that they are not really in control of their behavior at that point, particularly at the tender age of 1.5. I'd just leave, I don't think there's anything you can do. Do you think he was tired or hungry or something? Because if that's what precipitates the behavior, you can just not try outings when he's tired or hungry. But if all things are equal, and he still has a hissyfit like that (like my boy does), I'd say just hang it up for that day. The other day I had to leave a playgroup at a friend of mine's house because my kid was *freaking* out and I was wrestling him into the carseat, really kind of fighting this 30 pound kid (and practically losing!) and I thought, as I often do, "how did I get here? This is not my beautiful life!" It stinks but it doesn't happen that often and will get better as they can talk and communicate more. I hope!

[Christina]

They say the terrible twos start well before two - I just flee the instant our son starts in on this kind of behavior and smile at everyone in our path just like we are all very charming and our son is not screaming like a banshee about ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Ah, but this time will pass OH to quickly so I do try to take the good with the bad, I suppose...

[laura]

my mom used to pinch the back of our arms until they were black and blue... but I'm guessing that kind of reaction is no longer acceptable.

I like the strap the kid into the car seat and ignore him idea, although I don't know what good it does to try to rationalize with an 18 month old.

[g~]

ARGH!
That same thing happened to me yesterday with *my* 18 month old little girl. She was fish-flopping like crazy (and yelling like a deranged....toddler) in Home Depot. I must be brain damaged to think that we could take her on too many errands on one day--I now clearly remember my 3.5 yr old son doing the same thing in certain situations. Very embarrassing. In fact, everyone was giving us the "if that were *my* kid..." eye--except one person we actually knew there who raised 5 children. He just told us to have three more and see what it feels like. Anyway, we just left. It wasn't worth the fight just to look at bathroom vanities. As we walked out, Malyn going nuts, someone asked in that sing-songy voice, "What's wrong, Sweet Girl?" (we live in the South). I quickly replied, "Oh, nothing...she's just a brat."
Ah--such is life.

[Heather Pauli]

I'd vote for the tag team switchoff with hubby, and let the kid finish his freakout in the car. I can remember my mom regularly whisking my little sister out of a restaurant when she would start pitching a fit, and can still picture the rest of the family watching the car during the meal through a nearby window, it visibly shaking from the demonic episode occuring inside. I don't think she ever got to eat an entire hot meal until we were out of grade school. Funny memory for me, but I wonder if she will shudder if I ask her about it!

[Michelle]

You did the right thing. You just have to leave. I have left grocery stores - left the cart where it is -and picked up the kid and left. It's all you can do. This is all about the learning process. Riley doesn't understand that he can't just run freely through the store. It is very normal for him to see a wide open space and want to run. You are teaching him that he can't run and then can't throw a tantrum when you won't let him run. Good Luck and hang in there.

[erica]

So, is 18 months old too old to leave him at the fire station "safe haven?"

just sayin'.

[SJ]

My solution was more, hm, shall we say, the vulgar version of kitty? I just didn't take my daughter many places when she was little, and tried to do my errands on my lunch hour when she was at daycare. It became easier to take her places around the age of 2, which is about when she was allowed to discover the joys of JUICE. A sippy cup of juice was usually enough to get us through a trip to the grocery store, Home Depot, etc. She's now 3 and is pretty fun to take out to places, although the candy and toy aisles are becoming a tough temptation.

[Deanna]

I think you did the right thing. I'm always worried about disturbing everyone else so I can't in good conscience just stay in the store and ignore the tantrum (though I will at home and it works). I think 18-24 months is the absolute worst age ever. What's key is making sure the child doesn't get rewarded for acting like that. So leaving the store immediately and putting them in the car is a good punishment. If you're in a place that you NEED to buy something in and both you and JB are there, take Riley to the car, one of you stay with him while the other goes back in and shops. That's even more painful to Riley than simply getting in the car and going home.

And yes, it gets MUCH easier once they get more words and are able to communicate better. Like someone else said already, my 3 yr is an absolute joy to shop with...most of the time.

[Meghan]

I can't wait for our turn... I can tell it's just around the corner. I am still struggling with my desire to "get one more thing done" while we're out running errands.

As I understand it, once a child gets too far down the path to a tantrum, there is no verbal calming that will get through to them and bring them back to earth. The ideal response is to put them in a safe place and then ignore them until they're done (I learned this from the psychologist parent educator at the infant co-op preschool we attend). So, removal to car seems like the best option. Also the description of this age as "giant mobile infant" probably isn't too far off :)

[Laura D.]

My personal authority on the subject says to do exactly what you did: http://daycaredaze.wordpress.com/2005/09/24/tantrums-part-three-screaming/

Other than that, have lots of aspirin on hand for you!

[JennB]

Be firm, let him know what is acceptable, and remove him from the situation. They can't be reasoned with, unfortunately. This happened with me and P in the mall. Good times. I had to tether her with one arm while trying to get my stuff and get out the door. DO NOT attempt to shop with him alone! ALWAYS have JB or another adult with you!

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