Parenting poetry, part 3

Yes, it's this. Again.

Look!
Here,
in my hand
it's a Kleenex tissue
with lotion. Lotion!
It has aloe and vitamin E and it is soft.
If I were wiping your nose
with a Brillo pad
Maybe I could better understand
your reaction.
As it is
you're just making me
want to take my sweet-ass time.

...

You remind me of a Microsoft ad campaign
except
instead of "Where Do You Want to Go Today?"
yours would be
"What Food Will You Reject Today?"
I know
they're not really that similar
except that they both SUCK.

...

Guess what,
little one.
I have
a newsflash
for you.
This task? At hand?
Is not my favorite
either.
How's about giving
me a break
So I can more properly
dig poop
from
your
scrotal
area.

...

Sometimes when you run
it looks like the bottom half of your body
isn't really connected
to the top half.
I don't know why
I love that so much.
My little malfunctioning
robot.

...

Hey! Let's flap our arms!
Hey! Let's play with trucks!
Hey! Let's scream with joy!
Hey! Let's run real fast!
Hey! Let's start crying for no reason whatsoever!
Wait.
Damn.
And it was going so well.

...

I like to take your pants off
because then you go all crazy
and run around giggling
As if you could say
I'm Crazy No-Pants Baby!
Give me some candy!
Maybe you wouldn't really say that
because you don't know who
Adam Sandler is
But that's what I imagine you saying
when you run around like some kind of
crazy no-pants baby.

...

I know the first time you did it
we laughed.
And now you don't understand
why it's not okay
to feed the dog string cheese.
Please, just
stop. She's getting
fat
and you're
not eating your goddamn
dinner.

...

I used to joke about
how it was a good thing babies aren't twenty feet tall
because oh my god
think of the damage they could do.
But now I know
if ever there was a twenty-foot baby
mostly things would get
drooled on.
Now, a twenty-foot toddler
that's just
terrifying.

...

Um, sweetie?
How can I say this
It makes Daddy
uncomfortable
when you curiously
touch
his nipple.

...

We share some opinions,
you and I.
Fruit is good
the cat's fur is soft
Being outside is fun
and that guy Joe?
On Blue's Clues?
Is an interloper
who should be burned
like a witch!
Burn him he's a witch!
Burn! Burn! Burn—
ahem.
Sorry.
I just felt like you and I
were on the same page,
on that one.

...

I was wondering what
your ingredient label would read
(if you had such a thing)
and I decided it would
include:

- Summer grass
- Thorn-bushes
- Labrador puppies
- Blue skies
- Treacherous seas
- High thread count sheets
- Electric eels
- Warm chocolate chip cookies, fresh from the oven
- Poop
- Sunshine

Exact content amounts would
vary, of course
depending on
various
things.

...

Today you ran
full tilt
directly into my knees
and hugged me.
And I was all,
be careful!
But I didn't really want you to be careful
if that meant
not doing it again.

...

Kissing you is sort of
like kissing
a
banana slug.
Well I'm sorry!
But it is.
Come here,
my beloved
Old-Navy-clad
gastropod.

...

Whenever I hold your tiny, eager hands
I think
Please
oh please
Let me be so lucky
to hold your hands throughout the years
Let me hold your reluctant, older hands
and remember the days
they were tiny.

Comments

[Liz in Australia]

That whole "beloved Old-Navy-clad gastropod" thing made me laugh entirely too much. Our toddler has a cold right now and - egads, THE SLIME!

[JenniferB]

These are great -- I loved them last time too. Keep them coming!

[mrsgryphon]

sigh. I love these... please don't stop!

[Sarah]

These are both lovely and hilarious Linda. You remind me of a present-day female Richard Brautigan. (I highly recommend his books of poetry: he's one of my favorites!)

[jenn]

I loved all those, but especially the last one. You rule.

[robin]

I had to actually duck my head behind my monitor (at work) for the nipple touching one to conceal my laughter.

These are great!

[laura]

I heart your poetry. Keep it coming :-)

[Jami]

Love Love LURVE the poems :o)

[Swistle]

I love these poems so, so, so much. I do sincerely wish you would write a whole bunch more, gather them into a clump, and mail them to publishers. I seriously think we have the makings of a best-seller. I would assist by purchasing it for EVERY SINGLE PARENT I KNOW IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

Also, I totally agree that Joe should take off. When Steve left, they should have stopped the show. Steve WAS Blue's Clues. I think that should have been clear.

[Bunny]

Beautiful and hysterical. I laughed, I cried, I totally dig the Adam Sandler reference.

[Jennifer]

These poems are my absolute favorite! I need to go change my pants now, thanks.

[Christina]

I too had to hide my head behind my monitor at work about the nipple one. These were awesome - the last one made me tear ;)

Great (and fun) poetry!!

Christina

[Shann]

Best one yet! I love them!

[Erin]

yay! I love poem day!! All of your poems remind me of my little one so much!!

[nonsoccermom]

That is too funny. Especially the one about the banana slug. I'm sure my office mate thinks I'm crazy now since I've been over here cackling my head off.

[MRW]

First I was laughing so loud I scared my co-workers then I nearly cried at the last one. Hello emotional whiplash, good to meet you again. These are so great!

[MRW]

First I was laughing so loud I scared my co-workers then I nearly cried at the last one. Hello emotional whiplash, good to meet you again. These are so great!

[jonniker]

Yeah, um, I did cry by the last one. So sweet.

[AmyM]

Another admitted sap who teared up at the last one. Love poetry day!

[June]

dammit - you made me cry!

[Dawn]

It's like being pregnant all over again with the emotional roller coaster, here you had me laughing HYSTERICALY and then that last one, and oh the tears they just snuck up on me. My whole office now thinks I am crazy, well okay they already thought that but now they have confirmation.
We love the poems, we want (need) more!

[jessica]

WOW.

Beautiful. Like laughing and crying at the same time.

[theflyingmum]

Oh, please, please, PLEASE can he be Crazy Spoon Head Man next Halloween?

[Mrs. Breedorf]

Any poem about tiny hands gets me every time.

[Vycki]

And I ask again, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO PUBLISH A DAMN BOOK ALREADY?! These are wonderful and you totally have a loyal following in us. Just tell us the release date and we will rush right out to get it.

If you write it, we will buy.