Stop! Stop! Stop!
I do not like this game.
Where you pretend to be a thrashing alligator
and you are naked. On the changing table.
And I am some lady
trying to put a diaper on an alligator.
Alligators don't wear diapers.
Or was that
your point?
...
I can hardly believe
how much noise can come from
such a small creature.
I must hide you away for the good of mankind
lest the military discover
your powers.
...
This is not a poisonous substance. It will not cause you harm. There is no need to make that face. Or to spit it out.
It is
macaroni and cheese.
Jesus christ.
...
when you make that sound
somewhere
an angel's eardrums
explode
...
Wow.
That sure is a lot of poop.
And here I thought you didn't eat enough dinner.
Is that
a
noodle?
...
Did you know you are my heart
did you know you fill me with happiness
did you know you are my everything
did you know, my dear, oh did you
know
It is 5:30 in the freaking morning?
GO.
BACK.
TO.
SLEEP.
...
Splashing is fun!
And you are
slippery
and adorable
in the bathtub.
Oh look!
You made a fountain.
...
If you stop that screaming
I will pay you
Eleventy jillion dollars.
Really
I promise
Here is a check.
...
It is a good thing for the parents of small children like you
that god created
caffeine.
...
Here are the things in this household that are toys:
that. this. that. and that.
wait
the naming of toys
is going to take a long time
for there are SO VERY MANY OF THEM.
And yet you insist
on playing with
power cords.
...
Oh
hey
what
do
you
know
another
goddamn
tooth.
...
Sometimes I want to put you in a spaceship
and push "Destination: Mars"
and wave goodbye to you my sweet
and pray for those unsuspecting Martians.
But then you smile
and laugh with me.
And I say oh okay
you can stay.
Those Martians
don't deserve you
anyway.
...
I love you more than my heart has room for
so my love spills everywhere
I am a Love Valdez
because of you. Baby mine.
Hahahahahaaaahahaaaa! You're a genius - when is your book coming out?
Posted by: jo | 10/06/2006 at 02:09 AM
Comedy gold! You are like the Sylvia Plath of parenting poetry. Without the ennui or the head in the oven.
Posted by: Audra | 10/06/2006 at 03:01 AM
Heh...is that a noodle....hahah
Posted by: robin | 10/06/2006 at 05:11 AM
Best. Poetry. Ever.
Seriously, I would buy a volume of that. SO funny, and so true!
Posted by: Swistle | 10/06/2006 at 05:19 AM
good heavens that's the funniest thing I think I've ever read...seriously I have tears streaming down my face!! (the good kind) Thank you for a big smile this morning!!
Posted by: Erin | 10/06/2006 at 07:21 AM
heh. thats great.
Posted by: Jem | 10/06/2006 at 08:29 AM
I love it!
Posted by: mrsgryphon | 10/06/2006 at 08:37 AM
Genius!
Posted by: fellowmom | 10/06/2006 at 08:50 AM
I must print that out and keep it handy... too damn funny! I swear I experience every one of those poems every day. What fun a one-year-old is, huh???
Posted by: Katie Kat | 10/06/2006 at 08:52 AM
ROFL!!!!
Omg...so, so funny!!!
Posted by: jozet | 10/06/2006 at 09:55 AM
Dang you, Linda!
I was laughing my head off until I came to the Love Valdez line..then I started crying because I feel that way about my kidlets too. When I am not wanting to send them off to the Martians.
Now my mascara is running.
So again I repeat,
Dang
you
Linda.
Posted by: Missie | 10/06/2006 at 10:29 AM
That was so funny!
Posted by: sunShine | 10/06/2006 at 11:31 AM
I love you.
Posted by: Mrs. Why | 10/06/2006 at 11:32 AM
Those were awesome. All of them.
Posted by: Kristen | 10/06/2006 at 11:48 AM
LOL, Oh you I feel every single line. Especialy the 530 in the morning and the martians. (Except mine is 330 in the morning.)
Posted by: Natasha W | 10/06/2006 at 12:09 PM
"Here is a check."
Posted by: jonniker | 10/06/2006 at 12:29 PM
SO good.
Posted by: Leah | 10/06/2006 at 03:46 PM
These are THE funniest and truest "poems" I've ever read. I have SO been there myself!
Posted by: Jennifer | 10/06/2006 at 05:31 PM
Dude. Seriously, the "another goddamn tooth" thing was funny.
Posted by: Lindsey | 10/06/2006 at 05:42 PM
Those were great - I love the alligator one, I remember those diaper-changing days so well!
Posted by: Melanie | 10/06/2006 at 08:25 PM
As always, you manage to capture EXACTLY what I'm thinking and say it in the funniest possible way. So true. So funny. So Sundry.
Posted by: Katie (The Yap) | 10/06/2006 at 08:27 PM
LOL... When will this appear on the Hallmark cards? Can't wait...
Posted by: vasilisa | 10/06/2006 at 08:37 PM
SO. Funny. It. Hurts.
Posted by: Sonia (DDM) | 10/06/2006 at 10:10 PM
I had to send this to my girlfriend who is due in a few weeks. Her oldest is 9 so I wanted to give her a refresher on what she had to look forward to (in case she forgot). :) LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!
Posted by: Trina | 10/06/2006 at 10:28 PM
You wrote the one about toys and power cords about my daughter, didn't you? Does Riley share her love of remotes, cell phones and keyboards, too? She's a little technophile.
Posted by: Liz | 10/06/2006 at 10:31 PM