Consider my expectations exceeded

I remember reading ahead in the baby books – many months ago, when Riley was a mass of barely controlled movements; a tiny red-faced creature with appendages that waved like kelp beds – to the section on baby-proofing, mentally ticking off items I'd eventually need to purchase: cabinet locks, outlet covers, some form of protective plastic gerbil ball in which to seal the child, etc.

It was nearly impossible for me to imagine Riley being not only ambulatory, but getting into things. For some reason I had this vague notion that Riley, once at a crawling age, would spend his time happily sitting in one place on the living room floor. Maybe because when I put him on the floor back then, there he stayed. Oh sure, he may have rolled gruntingly to one side or the other, but in general I probably could have surrounded him with gaping bear traps and open bottles of Drano and he would have been fine.

(Um, not that I ever did that.)

Now, of course, Oh My God How Things Have Changed, and I understand why those obnoxious child-safety catalogues filled with doomsday products exist ("The Sinky Slinky™: a protective coil of rubber that keeps curious kiddos out of DEADLY SINKS, which have been known to contain DANGEROUS TOOTHPASTE RESIDUE!"); because Riley, at this particular stage of his development, seems bound and determined to end his short life right before my bulging, red-veined eyes.

If he's not balancing precariously against the too-tall coffee table, he's teetering against the brick hearth; both provide some nice sharp corners onto which his face might be bashed, and some hard edges for his various limbs to be cracked against. Our wood floors offer a nearly endless amount of skull-whacking possibilities, and both our cat and dog are unstable surfaces for a small child to pull up against, not that that keeps him from trying, repeatedly.

If there's a single, solitary cord in sight, he's poised over it preparing to sink his many small, sharp teeth into its delicious, electrical marrow. If there's an esophagus-blocking item of any kind within twenty yards, he's on it, mouth open in anticipation. He won't eat his damn macaroni and cheese any more, but a Heimlich-sized rock with a tuft of dog hair clinging to it? Bon appetit!

In so many ways this is the most exciting stage of all so far: he is the embodiment of lively curiosity, he's learning enormous amounts every day and I swear he can do something new every hour. Clapping, crawling, pulling up, splashing, standing. But oh my god, how do kids survive it? How do parents survive it?

Because lately, when he finally goes to bed, only then does my heart return to a normal pace, my hands relax from their clawlike ready-to-grab positions and my adrenal glands quit dumping kegs of epinephrine into my system.

Also, I have this bad feeling that it's only going to get more and more stressful. Unless...maybe when he starts walking, that's when he'll just hang out on the living room floor, away from the buttons on the TV and the pointy hearth and the dog and the bathroom sink?

Uh...right?

Comments

[Robin]

Hahaha...you wish! My boy is 18 months and I long for the days of his limited movement. I'm so sorry to be the first to say it..but this is just the beginning. Just think of all those things that are BRAND NEW and interesting to him! It's fun..but exhausting. Just wait until he figures out what the big red button on the remote is for. What fun!

[Joanne]

Oh, I think it gets better, but mine is only 13 months. He went - in days it seemed - from crawling to flying up the stairs, to walking, to running, kind of early. But once you get the sharp edges covered up, I find you worry less. Mine falls down 100 times a day and we have hardwood floors, but unless he hits something on the way down he's FINE. My house is really clean, I'll say that, I just find myself removing, removing, removing things from his reach. Also I tell him, "no, CD's" or "no, DVD's", when he tries to take them all off the shelf, and I'm happy to say that after the one millionth time, it's working!

[Matthew Miller]

Random tip -- those corner-protection soft things don't actually work unless you physically screw them to your furniture -- the adhesive isn't strong enough to support the weight of a baby, and they make such attractive handholds for a little one trying to pull him/herself up. You end up with even more falls straight back onto the hardwood floor.

The gerbil ball sounds like a good idea.

[katie d]

ROFL

[robin j.]

everyone told me, 'oh, just wait until he starts walking!' but he'd been into so much stuff when he was 'only' crawling and climbing that it really didn't get any worse (not that i know how it could have!)

My daughter is in that same stage, and Saturday after I vacuumed, the best I have ever vacuumed in my whole life, and swept the kitchen, entry way, and bathroom, she still discovered small things on the floor to eat. Where do these things come from? And then as I stick my finger in her mouth to remove the foreign object, it is just screaming, I know I have ruined her whole day. And then I apologize, "sorry sweetie, I was just saving you life." Some day they will thank us. Speaking of which, I should go thank my mom.

[Krista]

Hee hee. I remember when my (now almost 4 year-old) son was learning to walk, I would just run after him constantly, arms outstretched and ready to break the fall. My husband used to laugh at me, but I was just so panic-stricken! Don't worry, it gets easier, but only after it gets worse. :)

[SalGal]

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. When he starts walking - that's when the real fun begins. My daughter started walking around 11 months and by the time we went for her 1 year check-up, she was covered with bumps and bruises. I made some comment about her "markings" to her pediatrician hoping for some soothing words of consolation. His reply? "Just wait til she starts RUNNING." Thanks Doc. As someone previously said, 'Yes, it will get better but not until it gets worse. Much, much worse'. Sorry!

[jonniker]

I have dangerous toothpaste residue all over my shirt today. Should I avoid children?

[sunShine]

This sounds too familiar. I am not ready for all the child proofing. One tip, if he gets really quiet, you better run to wherever he is. You can pretty much guarantee that he is into something.

[karen]

A friend from work has a 11 months old and lives in a rural part of west texas. One day she noticed her son sitting with his back to her totally absorbed sucking on something. She thought it was his "binkey" so didn't become overly curious - she was happy he was quiet.

After a she noticed his binkey on the floor she decided to inventigate and discovered he was sucking on a dead mouse. YUCK!!!! After lots of gagging and a rush to the ER - they decided the baby was fine - he had obviously caught the mouse himself.

[jonniker]

Karen, you just added three more months to my birth control prescription. I'm not ready for that. NOT READY. NO. NO NO NO.

[dollyllama]

Apologies if someone said this already: We just ended up removing everything remotely not child-safe. We have two little ones with a third one on the way, so putting a giant, flat piece of metal behind the desk to section off all the cords and plugs seemed prudent. Coffee tables...gone. Hardwood floors...covered with rugs. Bookshelves...screwed into the wall. Air conditioners...ditto. TV...out of reach. Doorknobs...got those doorknob thingies. Everything else is just out of reach. Totally out of reach. Out of my reach, in some cases. And then we filled all the lower cabinets and drawers with baby-safe things so there's still stuff to explore (not that I don't swear when I'm picking all the g*d* drying towels off the floor for the millionth time).

[Kristjana]

My son is at exactly the same stage... I think I've lost the rest of the baby weight chasing him... Unfortunately, his favorite thing to "cruise" on is our 75 pound weimaraner... Dudley is remarkably patient, but my heart skips a beat everytime I see my little boy waddle over...

[Karen]

Love your blog. You are too funny! It's amazing how we encourage them to sit up, crawl, stand...ultimately with the goal to walk. What are we, stupid?!

Wait until you have your second child. You'll be like, "Sit! Sit! NO STANDING!" I did NOT encourage my second child to walk. But, darn it all, he figured it out on his own. And the party was over.

It is nice, though, when they can walk up and down the stairs by themselves. No more aching back. ;)

[Stacy]

Did I write this? You are too funny and I swear, I am going through the EXACT same thing evey day with my 11 month old son. Keep writing, I really enjoy reading!!

[Stephany W]

Girl, you crack me up!! My son is almost 2 and I barely remember the docile days of 'cruising'. He's only gained 3 pounds in a year because if he's not strapped to a chair or asleep, he's running. My mom calls him the blur because she can't get a clear picture of him with her old-model digital camera. But the good news is, you can cancel your gym membership... you won't be needing that for a long time!!

[J-nae]

Oh my gosh that sounds so much like my son! He's going to be 1 in just 2 weeks and he's been walking since he was 10 1/2 months... crawling since 5 months. I never sit down and I'm never even in a comfortable standing position for very long. He puts everything in his mouth and he tries to pull out the socket protectors (and has succeeded on 2 or 3 occasions), he opens safety-locked cabinets, he sticks his tiny little fingers between the cracks of the heating vents. He scares me to death and I can just imagine what he is going to come up with next. I get no rest. -_- But oh how I love my little guy. :o)

[beth celender]

I have chosen to leave everything out on my tables....and to not remove stuff, unless dangerous, of course. this way when the child goes to play with something on the table that is decorative (for example) the child learns to look at it, appreciate it..not just throw it and break it. not suck on it. if they do, you say no...explain and repeat if necessary. in time, the child learns. moving it and taking it away only causes kids to want it more and never know how to handle it. I have an almost three year old daughter and i feel that i have benefited from this and she has as well. i am not worried going to places or others people homes. we don't have to move anything. She is not tempted to do anything crazy with it considering it is an everyday object to her and it, in the end, is not that interesting anyway.