I alone can brandish the Sword of Onesies

Scene from my household:

My husband JB: "Will you get Riley dressed for daycare?"
Me (mildly): "I think you can do that."
JB (with irritation): "But I have to get the bottles ready."
Me: "You mean like I did yesterday? When I got the bottles and his food and dressed him and changed him and looked for his damn socks and took him in?"
JB: "Fine, he's wearing his pajamas then." *stomps off*
(a few minutes later)
JB (with Joblike suffering): "So if I were going to bring an extra outfit, where would I find it?"
Me: "In...the...drawer? Where his clothes are?"
JB: *stomps off again*

This morning was one of those times when I could clearly see JB mentally conducting a performance evaluation for me, and vigorously checking off "NEEDS IMPROVEMENT" in all areas.

Normally we're pretty good about working together when it comes to Riley. We take turns on who has to get up first thing in the morning to feed him. We trade off who takes him to daycare and who picks him up. We even have something called "Team Diaper" which is when one person starts changing the diaper and upon viewing the contents, wails "OH GOD TEAM DIAPER TEAM DIAPER CODE BROWN!" and the other person runs in and plays shortstop.

I think I was just feeling a little out of sorts this morning, because certain jobs are always mine and mine alone. Dressing the child? Much like the sword of Excalibur, only ONE man – or in this case, woman – can pull the boy's clothes from his drawer, thus being crowned Queen of...well, Queen of Always Has To Dress the Damn Kid, I guess.

Also, only I know where the extra diaper wipes are. They are not hidden in a vault thousands of feet beneath the earth's crust, they're in the cabinet with the diapers - but only I am physically capable of finding them and replenishing the container. JB can yell down the hall that hello, this thing is empty here, but reaching into the cabinet is apparently an activity reserved just for me.

I am the only one who knows where the diaper bag, extra crib sheets, rice cereal, infant Tylenol, and Q-tips are. I am also the only one who can turn on a vacuum, wipe crumbs off a counter, put my breakfast spoon in the dishwasher, get beard hairs off the bathroom sink's faucets (aaaaaggh), and cook anything more complicated than a Pop Tart.

(Of course, JB could always say that he's the only one who can kill a Giant House Spider, pay utility bills, nail cedar siding to our house, argue endlessly with contractors until they agree to lower their price, dangle the boy upside down like a possum, and perfectly parallel park a massive Ford F-150. But then again, I'm the only one who writes this blog so NYAH.)

I know it's a tired joke to be all "My husband is soooo silly, I always have to find the mayonnaise for him! LOL!" but seriously? JB can't find the mayonnaise. "We're out of mayonnaise!" he shouts, his head deep within the refrigerator, and I walk over and pluck the Best Foods container out of the door where it ALWAYS IS and he says "Oh."

Someday I'm going to tell him he's got to dress Riley, refill the wipe container, AND make BLTs for lunch, and it will totally blow his mind.

Okay, now I want to hear from you guys. In your house, what responsibilities always fall to you?

Comments

[Robin McGinnis]

Well,

I think we have the same husband!!! I am a stay home mom of 4 boys or should I say 5 (for my husband). He can't find anything and he can't do anything. I have to do it all - that includes taking out the trash. I think they do this on purpose because they know we'll swoop in and just do it ourselves anyways. That way we know it is done right!

[Carrie]

You are not in a vortex. I am here! I have to ask, what do you do with the Q-Tips, exactly? My daughter is almost two now and I don't think I have ever touched her with one. Is there an area I am missing tht I should be well, Q-Tipping? It's the ears, isn't it? I thought Q-Tips were bad for the ears. Is it the toes? Does my girl have the dirty toes? What is it?

[Linda S.]

Carrie, I do not even want to tell you what we did with a Q-tip and our son's butt when he was two weeks old and hadn't pooped in a long time. It involved vaseline, that's all I'll say.

But USUALLY, we use the baby Q-tips (that are shaped so you can't accidentally cram the whole thing in their eardrum) to swab his ears when the wax is, like, CRAZY GROSS.

[Julie]

My husband does all the cooking, and he's a messy cook, but he'll never wipe off the stove top immediately after cooking, and I have to ask him 82 times to clean the stove top, and FINE I'LL DO IT MYSELF, since I'd have to redo it anyway because I'm crazy. He also never empties the sink trap although he'll tell you he does. He blames his poor eyesight, and I have to say I'm even MORE afraid to get in the passenger seat when he's driving if his eyes are THAT bad.

[jaime]

First of all, I've been reading you for a while but I don't think I've ever commented so.. uh.. hi!

We don't even have kids yet and my husband's already playing helpless. His favorite thing is to say to me, for example, "WE need to sweep off .the deck." when he really wants to say "YOU need to sweep off the deck", at which point I say "What, are your arms broken? I'm cooking dinner, what are you doing?"

Our chores are pretty much split down the gender line. I cook and do dishes and clean. He takes out the trash and does outside and handyman stuff. Except, for some reason, I can usually get him to vacuum and he has a mistaken idea that I have a green thumb (it's definitely purple).

[Merideth]

My husband will ask me where his socks or boxers are. Umm, HELLO?!? In the same dang drawer they've been in for the last 10 years!

[Brianne]

My husband is the exact same way, he can take the trash out and get down and dirty and play and wrestle with my boys but when it comes down to changing a dirty diaper, bathing the kids, changing their clothes, getting a diaper bag ready that is a "mom job". I cannot tell you how many arguments we gotten in over the trash he throws in my kitchen sink. If you walk 2 more feet into the kitchen the trash could've gone into the trash can where it belongs. But he's not capable. OK better stop I'm getting mad at him already.
Nice to know it's not just me.

[Kathy]

Oh!! the trash thing just burns me. My husband will put trash on top of the counter, when all he has to do is open the lower cabinet door and throw it in. He is standing right in front of it!! We have a 3 month old daughter and he has never gotten up with her in the middle of the night and has changed her clothes I think twice. But he is a great cleaner. He started when I was preggers because he didn't want me around chemicals and he has kept it up. The man can clean a kitchen!!

[Caitlin]

Thank god my boy and I don't have a kid yet...already I've stooped to play the--"I'm sorry, do you smell cat pee? Why could that be? I mean, I PERSONALLY haven't cleaned the box in a couple days, but I assumed you've been keeping it up. Oh you haven't? Hmmm... Oh you never scoop the litter box? Has kitty learned to do it herself?"--game. When it comes down to it, we're both lazt slobs, but his tolerance is higher so I'm the one who breaks down and cleans the damn shower first. Every time. Huffff....!

[Nikki]

Hee. My husband will dress our daughter if I put the clothes out for him to do it-- down to the socks! Even her pajamas at night-- it he should actually GO TO THE DRAWER AND PULL A SLEEPER OUT, he wants a medal. And the man has never put the diaper bag together. He's a teacher, and will be a stay-at-home-dad for the summer, so I'm interested to see how things go. Will he be caught somewhere with no wipes, because he forgot to refill the case? Will there be a major diaper blowout, and no extra clothes? I can hear the martyr act now...

[Beth]

Anything that involves getting out of bed is me. Oh, and nursing. My husband refuses to pitch in with the nursing. So selfish...

[Nona]

Let's see...My husband cooks and takes most of the diaper changes. We tag team bath-time unless he spaces out (sometimes) and getting the Wee ready in the morning, unless he spaces out (more often). I do all the nursing. He does not know how to clean a shower, bathtub, sink, shower, counter, stove, microwave or those things you put on your floor in front of a sink or other water producing entitiy. But he ALWAYS clean the cat boxes, even if he doesn't always change the litter completely. But there are days, of there are days when I want to stand on the kitchen table and scream "PUT the damn vitamins and peanut butter BACK FROM WHENCE THEY CAME!" But aside from that he pretty much rocks, so I don't. (Most of the time.)

[Anne A.]

Bathrooms. Bathrooms are allll mine. Lucky me! But in his defense, laundry is his. If only I could get him to put it away, too. Oh well...

[Vanda]

My hubby vacuums and dusts. I NEVER have to do that, and haven't done those chores in about 8/10 years. Those are two things that puts my back in backache hell. Once we got a new vacuum. He was getting the tyres changed on the truck and I had to phone him at the shop and ask him how to turn the new vacuum on. Oh yes that caused lots of laughs from the shop guys LOL.

Depending on what my pain level is he'll empty the dishwasher, sweet and was the floors.

When the kids were younger he would take our daughter clothes shopping because I'd have had to kill her.

Oh and he does all of the folding.

We've been married for 34 years in December and I plan on keeping him for another 30 or so. And even though I keep getting asked if I'll sell him, that'll never happen. I'm not stupid LOL.

[Jandzsmom]

My husband's personal failure is bathtime. The only time he has ever bathed a child is when he is the only adult home and a major diaper disaster has occurred. Even when I was hugely pregnant with #2, dead tired and BEGGING him to bathe child #1 (incidentally, both are boys - same parts), his response was I could always wait until the next day. He also has that defective eyesight where he can't see the ketchup bottle if it is not front and center in the fridge. Really, is it so much to ask that they not only help around the house, but do it our way too?

[Dana]

It has gotten so bad around this house that when you ask my 5-yr old how many children I have ... he will respond with "3" (correct answer being 2 of course). My hubby can't even seem to find his own clothes every morning. I do worry about the example he's setting for the boys -- but in most ways my 21 month old is more independent than my hubby.

[Missie]

I think all of us are married to the same man! My husband handles all the outside stuff and I handle all the inside stuff, which I normally don't mind...unless I hear, "What? You didn't do XYZ today? What did you do all day?!" when he gets home from work. Wrong thing to say, pal..You'd think Mr. MagnaCumLaude would be smarter than that, but no. I always comment on how nice it is that we bought one a them there self-cleanin houses and that kinda clothes that just hop in the washer all by themselves, and aint it great my computer just gets all my work done for me, and our 11mo old baby girl just feeds, clothes, bathes, and generally raises herself? Dang, we sure are lucky. That way, I can sit and watch Oprah and eat bonbons all day. Go me.

He is a wonderful man, but sometimes...sheesh. He is sooo lucky I don't have a violent nature. ;)

[jandzsmom]

Missie - I thought I was the only one sitting and eating bonbons all day!

[samantha]

Are you married to my husband too??? He is great with the baby, just doesn't change diapers, give a bath, change his clothes, get up in the middle of the night with him, restock the diaper bag, none of that stuff. He does however keep our yard looking great and occassionally feeds the baby so I can eat a warm meal with the rest of the family. I could complain about him, but I know there are worse ones out there, so I won't.

[Trina]

Two numbers come to mind...two is the number of times my husband has picked up our 7 month old child from daycare. Two also just happens to be the number of times he has made bottles, ironic? And of course my favorite number, zero, for the number of times he has been in public, alone with our son aside from the two times he brought him home from daycare. His very long list of chores includes mowing (which does not including sprinkler maintenance). That's it, the rest is on my short list, after working full time, and eating bon bons.

The payoff came last week between alligator teething tears, his first word, MOM.

Eat your heart out mower man!

[Kirsten]

What is it with the mayonnaise thing? Mine does it too - it could be right in front of his nose, and he won't see it. My hubby also has a bad habit of asking me where things are before he's even looked for them...things like his hat, his sunglasses, his keys, his wallet...HIS OWN STUFF!
I think we switched roles though - because he'll be the one in the kitchen making cookies or doing laundry - while I'm mowing the yard, or doing home repairs...hee!
He's the one who wants to go to put a fire in the fireplace and cuddle while I say "but it's good tv night!"
so wrong...

[Sonia (DDM)]

*Snort* It's good to know we're 'normal'.
Try this.....next time he asks where something is, answer with The Stupidest Place In The World for that particular item to be. For example; "We're out of mayonnaise!" would be answered with "It's in the baby's top dresser drawer, of course." You'll get a blank stare for the first few times. And then? He'll start to find stuff!

[Shawna]

I have to say we have a fairly equitable split. My husband does yard work, vaccuuming, car stuff, snow blowing, taking out the trash, BBQing, and cleaning the toilet. I clean the rest of the bathrooms, sweep, do food prep and indoor cooking, and almost all the diapers (plus nurse). We tag team on most other stuff like baby dressing and bathing, shoveling the walkway, getting rid of drain Wookies, and emptying the dishwasher. Thank goodness for the dishwasher though - we both HATE doing dishes.

[Annette]

My husband is a dear we have been married almost 30 yrs he's 71 and he likes housework he used to get up at night with our daughter when she was a baby he took her shopping as a teenager LOL

On father's day when my daughter was 14 she got him a card that he has framed the card said

" It is admirable for a man
to take his son fishing.
But there is a special
place in Heaven for the
father who takes his
daughter shopping."

Now our daughter is grown and on her own we have a furry baby (poodle) Max that my husband spoils rotten
Annette

[Pete]

Let's see... I pay the bills, fix the cars, do the yard work, repair the house, drive everywhere, do half of the laundry, take care of the dog, take care of any electronics or anything with more than one part, work, take care of the kids too. Thanks for letting my whine.